Ricci Rivero, MD

16

2nd year, second sem.

A lot  happened. Rivero didn't make it to top 1 for first sem because of not finishing the exams when I walked out. I was having a hard time in med school, too. He was helping me all throughout kahit na hindi na siya makapag-aral for himself. He made reviewers for me to study.

He prioritizes me with every chance he gets. He's always there for me. He cooks for me when I'm sad and happy. He cheers me up when I'm down and disappointed. He keeps me company during my happiest & saddest moments in life.

That hit me,

How long will he do it?

How long will he wait?

Will he ever stop?

So I decided for myself and not for my selfishness nor happiness.

Yes, he made me feel everything at once. We didn't have labels but he cares for me like I'm the most fragile person in this world. He loves me with his whole being and I'm afraid cause I knew he made me his world.

Did he even notice it?

I want to be someone's world before nung kami pa ng ex ko but ngayon? I realized that you shouldn't make the person you love your world. We are growing and so should the love that we are experiencing.

We are not getting any younger, it's all about sacrificing.

So I've finally decided,

I have to end this.

Not because I don't feel the same way but because I know I'm falling for him and I'm uncertain of everything.

I can't keep this running back & forth when I know he deserves more. I can be that more but not now, lalo na ng malaman kong umuwi na si Khel Corciege, ex ko, here in the Philippines.

We didn't have a closure. I need one in order for me to fully move-on. Hindi ko kayang makita na nasasaktan siya sakin when I know for a fact that I can be marupok when it comes to Khel. He was my everything for 6 years. Fucking 6 years. 

I needed this.

"I'm sorry. Let's stop whatever we have." bungad ko sa kanya when he entered my condo.

"Wait, ano?" gulat nyang tanong.

I'm sorry, I have to do this for you and for myself.

"Why, Akilia?" I saw hurt in his eyes.

"He's back." yun lang ang sinabi ko. Hindi ko kayang sumugal pa sa kanya kasi he needs love na yung buong buo talaga.

"Oh." He nodded.

"I thought we're heading there. I thought wrong." Aniya.

He sigh heavily returning his eyes to me.

"It's okay. I'll be okay." saying with a fake smile.

"I have a question. I just need an answer." I waited for him to ask. Hindi ko alam ba't kinabahan ako.

Maybe I'm really nervous cause I'm about to lose the guy. This guy, My Rivero.

"Did yo- you lo-love me?" he stuttered.
I didn't answer.

I did love him.

Pero hindi yung sobrang mahal mo na kaya mong isugal lahat or baka kasi takot pa din ako hanggang ngayon.

Tumango lang ito ng tumango sa harap ko.

"Siya pa din pala." Rivero stated.

With sad and tired eyes, he looked at me.

He's here infront of me but I felt like he's so far. I couldn't even hug him or at least hold him. My body's  paralyzed.

"I'm sorry." I just nodded as a response. I couldn't hear anything but my heart beating so fast. Tachycardia. It's like his words are torturing me.

"I'm sorry if I wasn't enough. I'm sorry if I wasn't your ideal guy, I'm sorry if I have to give up, I'm sorry for not staying, I'm sorry dahil napagod akong mahalin ka." Fuck me.

His lacrimal glands betrayed him. I can see tears falling from his tired eyes.

"Napagod ako kasi kahit anong pilit kong ipakita sayo iba ang nakikita mo sa lahat ng bagay. Napagod ako kasi I am losing myself while I was trying to give you the love you deserved.  Napagod ako cause I was willing to stay no matter what, I was trying my best to make you feel that I won't leave you, I was prioritizing you than myself. I was losing my self worth, value and love. Kasi for me you fucking deserve all the love in this world." He paused.

"And you still do. But I'm not the guy who can make you do it. I'm not the guy who can make you commit. Maybe I'm just an example of that someone. Even though how broken you can get, someone's still willing to fix and love you. I'm just a reminder for you." He bitterly smiled and wiped his tears.

Tinignan nya ako at unti unti itong naglakad papalit sakin.

His orbicularis oris landed on my forehead.

His humerus bone encircled me.

"You deserve the best and I know I'm not the best and so here I am leaving you. Diba I told you? I'd leave someday but with reasons. I wouldn't leave you hanging. Hindi ako ganyan." Ricci added.

"You made me so happy. I just hope I'll see you in my next life at baka dun maging tayo." He chuckled.

Its slowly sinking in when I felt the loosening of his humerus bone around my upper extremity.

"I'll miss you." He whispered.

"Dr. Larazabal, until we meet each other again?" He smiled at me pero kita padin yung mata nyang pagod na. I just nodded in response and with that he's slowly walking away. 

I'm sorry dahil napagod kang mahalin ako kasi kasalanan ko. I'm not man enough to tell you what I really feel cause I'm scared of everything.

Maybe the next time in our next life, alam ko na paano sumugal para naman di na kita masaktan.

And then reality hit me at dun lang ako naiyak ng sobra.

Dr. Rivero is out.

Code blue.