The Letters that were marked with a heart

Letter 15 (Dodge's Pov)

(the first letter- went to the fountain and made a wish to die before March. 1st)

'Dear Leo,
I know you won't understand this at first. You'll cry, scream pound the floor asking why. But I'm so tired, it's this feeling that squashes your soul and drains you. No matter what you do it's always there. I made a wish today, to die before next month. And I don't want you to blame yourself because it's not your fault. It's nice by the fountain, all of the light seems to be drawn into it making it more pleasant. That's how I see myself I guess the fountain draining others energy. You would say that's stupid but is it really? I mean you have known me so long that you must not notice it anymore. And I'm not me anymore, these demons are in control and I can't let them escape so this is the only way. I'm so sorry.
From Pandora x'

Holding hands around the fountain we all share a silence. Then we get a coin out each and tell each other what we have learnt this week. And how we will change from now on. It feels like everything is still but the air is swirling around us. The first flowers are sprouting around the park, daffodils poking their heads up to signify that spring is here. Standing there we all say similar things, we have learnt to support each other and how to be better friends. And we all say that we will stick by each other moving forwards.

I stare into the water and think of all the times I nearly died. But I'm still here, and there must be some reason why. And I look to Lea, and I smile. I couldn't imagine my life without her. And we have been together a week. And Pandora saw this all coming and she told me that day. Even though I wasn't listening fully she said this would all happen. Every detail, and I wish she was here to see us all now. To hug Lea and say congratulations, to cheer Josie on and to tell Kay to look for a new guy or be a single mother if that suits her better. To support us all, to laugh with us, to cry with us. She was one of us, our Phoenix. And she has risen to heaven now.

Maybe I should support her, even let her go. But that is hard to do when you know how much life they had left to live. And she did, she was going to be a teacher in primary schools. Show kids the life in the world, before secondary school shows them the reality. Tell her stories and make them all smile. But now that will have to be someone else like Amanda who wants to be a teacher also. Lea wants to be a photographer, and she pulls and adorable face whenever her camera clicks. Josie wants to be a dancer or in the future a dance teacher. Simon wants to be a publisher and help various people get their novels out there. Oliver wants to be an actor. I want to be a writer after all of this, bring the life back into the world. Travel it all and make it a brighter place. I know it sounds foolish, but I can't wait.

I have written a few books in the past year, one was about an angel (based on Lea of course) and the others vary. I have wanted to write more since me and Lea started dating, and she encourages me to write whatever I like as long as she can read it when I'm done. Then she reads it and her reactions are always the same "Oh Max, this is beautiful. I love you Quill." She then stares into my eyes. And I kiss her lightly on the forehead.

Anyway I'm getting ahead of myself. We all promise to meet tomorrow after that. And I'll get to that in a minute but first, me and Lea have dinner with Phillipa. "You two have the place to yourselves tonight you behave, and don't stay up too late. Call me if anything bad happens and have a good night." Lea sighs, "Don't worry about us mum, we'll be fine. You have fun and don't drink too much with Mrs Issacs. And for heaven's sake stay out of the road. I love you really mum but pavements are there for a reason." I laugh at this and Phillipa does too, it feels nice. "That was one time, Cleo one time." Lea laughs. We are by the door now and Phillipa says "the you know what's are in the bathroom bottom draw." Lea blushes. And I feel this childish energy surge through my veins as I rush to the bathroom to see. "Max!" She rushes after me. Gulp. Lea rugby tackles me to the ground. "Do you... You know?" I blush fiercer. "Yeah, do you want to?" I smile back. "Yeah..." She stops pinning me down and moves off me. Then helps me into her room onto her king-size bed. I'm the nervous one, somehow. She seems perfectly okay but I'm shaking. "We'll take it slow okay." she whispers into my right ear.

.....

Sunday:
The next morning I feel happy, Lea is in my arms making little puppy noises as I move out of bed away from her. "Dodge I love you," she says sleepily. "I love you too." I whisper back and kiss her forehead. Then I get dressed into Lea's favourite shirt that I own and a pair of black jeans. Then I put on a leather jacket. Then I make my way down stairs to make breakfast then see Lea's mother at the table in the kitchen. Her hair is shiny silver in the kitchen light. "How are you today dear? Did you and Lea have a good night?" She asks me smiling. I blush slightly and cough it off. "Yeah I'm good thanks Patricia. How are you? As for last night, yeah we did. How was clubbing?" I feel awkward but I gulp my nerves down. "Yeah it was great, Mrs Issac was in a state so I stayed over hers for the night. She can't believe that Pandora isn't here anymore. And I can't either. Max we all have feelings grown up or not so whatever is bothering you I'm here if you want to talk." She says with pebble grey eyes twinkling like Lea's. "What if I'm making a huge mistake? I don't want to hurt Lea, but on a bad day I can't control myself. I get angry or sad and no one can keep me calm." I say heart sobbing in my chest. "Have you thought about talking to the school counselor they might be able to give you advice. I'm glad you shared this with me and if you need a day to yourself then just say so. I'll explain it to Lea if you want me to." She smiles weakly and I nod in reply. "Thank you Patricia." She smiles again, "No problem dear." We all want to be the best we can be but we are only human - Maxwell Victorson 2016. Write that in your quote books I am adding it to our group one. Come next year I'll be in sixth form with Lea, and Evelyn will be in college still. Josie will be in college. And everyone else hasn't chosen yet. Our exams are waiting for us right after we get back we go on study leave.

Maybe it should terrify me, the idea that I'm going to be studying English literature, history and French. And Lea is doing mostly creative subjects; Photography, English Literature and Language, and Fashion & textiles. Maybe I'm nervous about it but I'm not really sure anymore. I write every night and Lea sits there talking to me as I do. I wrote a book last week, well I finished the final part anyway. It can take months to finish writing and weeks to finish editing. I love it all the same though.

I read an interesting book recently it's called 'because you'll never meet me' I came to the conclusion that I was more like Mo than Ollie. Lea is 100% more like Ollie. I can tell from her non stop movements and her cute little noises she makes when she thinks no one is listening. But I always am. Writer's brain is a real thing I swear, noticing details everywhere in everything.

Lea comes down in her favourite pink camouflage jacket, purple long sleeve t-shirt and black denim skirt. "Good morning Max, I love you." She smiles kissing my cheek and leaving pink lipstick there. "The others will be round soon." I remind her. She nods. Patrica left for work awhile ago the kitchen is quiet without her.

When the others arrive we play games and talk about going to school tomorrow. The school service will be last period and as her friends we are all saying a few words. It will seem weird being back after all of this. Without Pandora's face in the corridor, without her laugh in the lunch hall, but most of all without the energy she brought with her. We called it Panda power, giggled about how dumb it sounded but now it sounds magical.

Monday and Tuesday swung by all to fast. And before I knew it we were in the church. The final destination.