Emotions

Diary of a lost girl

Lately I've had a lot going on in my head cus of school and our relationship and in general
Got a lotta stuff to say rn
I'm really stressed yea bc of school but also partially bc of our relationship i love being wit u trust me i do but sumtimes its hard for me emotionally
Sumtimes I really be wanting to tell u everyone das on my mind but sumtimes u make it hard bc either its not a good time cus ur upset or mad or ill ask a question to lead to the topic but u get mad cus i ask too many questions or u'll wanna gts or ull just brush it off as nothing or u dont wanna talk or ur busy or u hang up to do sum or talk to sumone or ur happy or in a good mood and I don't wanna ruin it or i start telling u and u find a reason to get mad so i keep it to myself I really hate keeping my feelings from u but sumtimes u make it hard to tell u and now its built up to a point where i feel like imma explode and i cried a lil earlier cus i couldnt handle it and i wanna tell u everything but when ur upset I always focus on u and help u cus i want u to be ok ik u cant tell but I always put ur feelings b4 mine no matter what and when ur mad I always try to make it better or make u smile cus i just wanna make u happy ik sumtimes i fuck up but i try i really do cus I love u but sumtimes it feels like my feelings dont matter and that hurts not just in the moment but in the long run sumtimes i do stay up late thinking cus i cant gts cus i wouldve wanted to talk about sum but u didnt let me so i just sit there and ik imma hypocrite for getting mad at u for keeping ur feelings in and other stuff which is y i'm telling u everything now but its just been so much on my mind and ive been going thru it alone and yea i hate it cus ur suppose to be there for me ur only person I actually go to when sums wrong and the only person I really talk to bout my feelings and now that ur invalidating them i just keep them inside cus idk what else to do but now i cant take it and its to a point where i barely sleep and eat i just lay around thinking and sumtimes i get weak or dizzy cus i go too long without eating cus i just have so much on my mind and i'm just not hungry and i'm always tired but i can never sleep and yea ik u gotta go thru sum shit by urself but when u said that it really hurt and it made me feel useless cus u was upset and it was nun i could do bout it i try to help u but when u dont let me it really hurts and it makes me question if imma good gf or not and it hurts even more when u tell jenny b4 me ik shes ur twin and all and u knew her first but sumtimes it makes me feel like u love her more than me which actually cuts deep believe it or not and i hate that u follow what she does cus u can think for urself u can help her ik u be sad cus she sad but u can help her Instead of cutting with her stop her from doing it and talk to ur brother if u really want her to be happy properly help her instead of hurting urself too cus I really dont want either of u hurting urself especially u and i feel like i'm slowly losing whatever sanity i have left cus i cant take this anymore I really feel like imma explode and i feel like ur losing interest in me cus u txt bck slow but u can txt other people or post stuff or u leave me on read and hurts cus it feels like u dont wanna talk to me and u don't really txt me first unless it's important and u usually txt me if u need sum u don't really txt me just to talk or say hi and when i try to be cute or romantic and send u cute pics or edits on ig u dont look at them or u take a while to look at them and I remember once u said u dont txt nobody first and i said im ur gf u should txt me first and u said u dont txt first and i said what if i dont txt first and u said then we wont txt and u said it so casually like u aint care wether or not we talked and u have nooo idea how much that hurt like my chest actually started hurting when u said that and u always hang up on me whenever sumone call u u hang up on me to talk to that person and i only hang up on u if my fam calls and if i threaten to hang up on u u say wont be the first time like u dont care wether or not i hang up and uk ill call bck so udc wether or not i hang up sumtimes i feel like u do certain stuff like ignore my calls or say leave me alone cus uk ill blow up ur phone cus i'm scared u'll do sum and its like u take advantage of that and when we have problems u dont try to talk to me bout it u get mad and say leave me alone i gotta force u to talk about stuff and it gets tiring and it makes me feel like u dont wanna fix it like u'll just let whatever happens to happen and if i do leave u alone when u call bck u act like nun happened i have to start the conversation to talk about it and fix what happened i just feel like u dont wanna fix our problems and that u wanna let them happen so we have a reason to go on a break
Hell we don't even usually gts at the same time anymore
and ur not as clingy as u used to be so i can tell ur losing interest and its like u just sumtimes act like u dont wanna talk to me so i feel like ur losing interest and that ur gonna replace me probably by a guy cus u keep talking bout how these guys on tic tok r cute or sexy or whatever its like i'm not cute to u anymore and i feel like u wanna break from me or sum but ur too nice to say it or ur worried about hurting me and ik u say u love me but still and i wanna talk to u bout this but u'll just get mad and ill end up holding it in like always
My heart is so heavy rn its not even funny
I try to be strong for u I really do but it's getting hard when i just wanna break down and cry till i cant cry anymore
I'm tired of pushing my feels deep down cus its really affecting me
And when u told me u had all that stuff going on i felt like the shittest person ever like i didnt deseeve u cus all i want is for u to be happy das all i ever wanted das what i try so hard to do everyday just make u happy das y i hide my feelings and act like i'm ok cus i dont want u to be upset or ruin ur mood but ig its too late for that but all i wanna do it make u happy and i wanna be happy wit u and i'm trying so hard to make it happen but ig its not working for either or us
I just got so hurt when u said u was going thru all that stuff and i never knew i feel like I shouldve been able to tell cus i'm supposed to notice when ur not ok but this time i didnt and u really needed me last nite but i wasnt there for u so now it's official imma bad gf u cant even talk to me bout ur feelings or what goes on in ur head anymore I really want u to be happy and i wanna be happy but i feel like we're both emotionally pushing each other away
To make it worse when i read those conversations earlier it really hurt and it made me feel like u was cheating or going to ik it wasnt u but it still hurt u needa control seth or u couldve just blocked the person or unadded them or txted bck the nxt saying u gotta gf I love u I really do but sumtimes its kinda hard to trust u I really wanna put my full trust in u but its hard when shit like this keeps happening i just wanna be happy and i want u to be happy but i'm emotionally drowning and u keep saying u wanna die so obviously i'm failing at a lotta stuff including being a good gf if i cant even keep u happy which shouldnt be hard who knows what else imma fail at i'm just getting so frustrated and tired of life not just cus of u but in general
But hey
Imma still smile