this is mostly for ash and that
so basically this is just me ranting about my depression and shit so if you don't care than fuck off this is mostly for my internet friends to see.
so ive started cutting again, and I keep having panic attacks because I need a flu jab in a week and im afraid my doctor will see it and I wont be able to stop myself from crying and that's gonna be shit. I started eating again, and I have been for the past few days. not a lot because my stomach has gotten smaller, so it doesn't hold much food. but when things get bad I don't eat. and ive really really wanted to fucking kill myself so so much in the past few days. I don't even know if the rabbits can keep me here anymore. I really thought id get better having them but my family is so much worse than they where last year. I was in the shower and I broke my razer so I had the blades and I almost actually ended it.
and one of the worst things when I look for something to help me, it always says, "youre family this" ans shit and my family wouldn't fucking care until they wanted breakfast in bed, or needed to do anything with the rabbits, or wanted something put in the trash. theyd probably find my body and not even have a funeral. its not like anyone would fucking ask were I was, even paddy has stopped talking to me.
I don't mean to sound like fucking Delsie, but everyone I knew a year ago has stopped talking to me. it hurts a lot. like Im homeschooled so I don't see even just people at school. loren said to my work that I raped (I didn't trust me) her so I lost my job even tho the guys don't believe her (sure) and then fucking Delsie destroyed the friendship Ava and I had and ill never fucking forgive her for that. then paddy just stopped talking to me. he wont answer me on anything and his mom said he didn't wanna see me. loren, who I was dating a year ago, cheated on me. and then I have no money to shop, I dotn do anything ouside of the house, so I literally have no one. like I haven't seen a person with my naked eye for days. apart from my family, who are all shit.
and if anyone reading this is gonna comment: itll get better, don't worry, or, but we love you, or some stupid shit like that it doesn't help. I dotn feel like im ever talking to a person online, that why so many of you know so many of my secrets. im not saying yall are robots like Delsie said I am, im saying I feel like its just words that pop up on my screen.
I don't mean that in a bad way. I mean I love you all so so much you've helped me through so so much, especially ash and emma. but when you guys say "but I love you finn>" I just feel like its not you. if you know what I mean. like, it doesn't change anything, I still cut my wrists even when I say I don't. I still wanna die. I still pull out clumps of my hair when I get angry and cant handle my emotions. I still cry. and I cant stop. theres been times ive been crying my eyes out and texting you guys like im fine.
I just hate myself so fucking much, and everything I hate about the world is like a mirror image of what I do.
and I deserve to feel like this. I deserve to die, I mean what good have I even done for anybody? like ever? I do things I must but I never do things to help people out of choice, as much as I wish I did.
andim not as great as yall think I am. im a lying piece of shit. if you all knew me without the lies ive told you youd all probably cut my wrists for me.
I just really wanna be hit by a truck, or something. like id love if I could get hit by a car, and then be in hospital and know if anyone actually fucking came to see if I was ok when they found out, and if no one cared id kill myself. and if someone came without anyone knowing, like without saying to everyone they know "finn got hit by a car and im paying the 16543 dollar bills for him and i was there as soon as I heard and im gonna stay by him the whole time." then I guess someone would actually care.
anyway im gonna stop ranting now
