reconsider

her

her;

i haven’t slept in days. i haven’t gone to school in weeks. i haven’t been the same since she died. i just fucking need my best friend. but instead, he shows up at my door. at first, i wanted to punch him. then i wanted to hug him. then i wanted to strangle him, and now we’re on top of my roof, lying  down side by side, close enough to feel each other’s warmth. i think you can see the pattern here. we ignore each other, but then end up in each other’s company again. it’s a sick cycle. there’s friction between our skin that not even my goosebumps can conceal, and i know he can feel it too. it’s two am, but we’re not complaining. i wonder if he’s had any sleep lately either.

the bottle is passed to me and i take a sip. he stole it from his mother’s cabinet. “usually the dads are the alcoholics, but… well, i haven’t met my dad, so maybe he was an alcoholic and passed it on to my mother.” he told me not to worry about her finding out, since she a) wouldn’t notice and b) wouldn’t care.

our final exams were coming up soon and we should have been studying, but—“fuck the education system, you know.”

i nod, keeping my eyes trained on the stars above.

“fuck the world.” he grabs the bottle from my hands and drinks. our night continues like this; proclaiming our disgust of the system, drinking, occasionally letting our feelings slip.

silence ensues once he says three little words. no, not “i love you” because we both know that’s not what is between us. “i miss you” he had said. but i don’t think he was talking to me, as he was looking up at the sky with red eyes.

after a while i speak again. “it’ll be over soon, you know… school. so don’t worry. it isn’t the end of the world if we fail, though.” i want to close the gap between us and hold his hand again. but i refrain from doing so.

“does it scare you?” his voice is rough.

i turn my head to watch him. he looks back at me, our faces centimetres apart. his eyes are so brown, but not the usual brown. “everything scares me.” he’s staring at my lips now, but i turn back to the stars. i realize then that he is just like the night sky. he comes and he goes, his magic fleeting and hidden behind clouds of false pretences. because stars aren’t that pretty.

“but then again, nothing ever does.”

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haha, i suck at this sorry