Thought Spiraling

Alcohol

Disappointment stings my ears as I see the case slide across the counter

the already low account balance dropping lower

The balance that I only know

Because of her

Because of her complaints and her worries

Were not going to be able to get groceries this week,

I don't know what we'll eat,

She'd say

Did you really need that, then?

I'd like to ask

It only numbs your pain for the night,

I'd say

But it would be lost on deaf ears

Many a time I would listen cheerfully

Her saying that she would stop,

that she would convince dad as well

Joy would swell in my chest

I'd think

Maybe this time she will change-

Knowing full well that my father is lost to the wind

But her,

She could do it

...

...

And for a few days, a week, she does

Then old habits,

they return,

the slurring of her words-

the swaying on her feet-

as she berates me just before bed

And of course, I notice

She's had more than a few

And I get angry

But my frustrated yells fall silent

I keep them internalized

Because I know that my words-

They do not matter anyway

And when my brother

He says,

Five years my junior,

He says,

You should just give up

They're never going to change

It is a part of our house

And we are never gonna get rid of it-

Well that just shatters what's left

Of my broken

heart