To Love a Half-Blood (A Kili Fanfic)

Chapter 23: Irrational

The sun is gone, sunk low behind the mountain. The fire is the only light and it throws fearsome shadows against the trees at the lake's edge. I can see Kili and Fili's reflections in the lake. Their shapes slide across the water, distorting with the wind. But even with the fuzzy image, I can tell Kili is upset. He just sits on a log at the edge of the light, staring into the fire. Fili wanders off, muttering about firewood.

Guilt creeps at the edge of my consciousness.

Is he shaking? Or is that just the wind rippling his reflection?

I tap a finger against the dirt nervously. The guilt is more poignant now, twisting its way deeper into my chest.

I should go over there. I need to apologize. I was harsh. He didn't do anything wrong.

Finally its too much for me to stand and I get up. I was numbing my ankle in the cold lake water so I can't feel it. I pause for a moment to get my bearings, then I go over to him. I stand a little ways away and I don't speak. He won't look at me. I'm certain he's shaking now. I rock back and forth on my toes indecisively.

I don't want to embarrass him. He's trying to be calm.

I clench my fists. Finally, I give in and walk over and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Kili?" I whisper as gently as I can.

He doesn't acknowledge me.

"Kili, I'm sorry." I whisper and drop on my knees in front of him.

Now I'm certain: He's crying.

"Kili, please-" my voice catches. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."

He looks down at me with glittering eyes. Vulnerability flashes across his face. No anger, just misery. For such a feirce warrior, he has a heart of glass. I can't help it anymore. I reach forward and hug him tightly around the waist.

"Its not your fault. Please stop crying. I'm sorry Kili." I whisper.

For a moment he doesn't move for the shock. Then, slowly, his hands come to rest on my back.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I say into his shirt.

One of his hands strokes my hair and I know I've been forgiven. I sit up and hug him properly. He's still crying, I can feel is chest vibrating against mine, but his desperation seems to have lessened a bit. I hug him tightly and kiss his cheek.

"Lari-sar," He breathes, "Please never do that again. You and Fili are all I have left."

"I promise to never, never, never do that again." I respond and we break our embrace. "I was scared and I snapped at you. I'm sorry."

"Don't ever be scared Lari-sar." He says, taking my small hands in his. "I always have your back. You have no reason to fear anything. You are safe."

For some reason that hits me in a vulnerable spot. I fight tears. I know that its irrational, no one can protect completely, but its nice to know that, if not Legolas, at least someone has my back.

As soon as the idea flashes across my mind, I hear footsteps behind us. Legolas is approaching. I ignore him and linger in Kili's embrace until the firelight hits his boots. I stand, facing away from my brother and tension fills the air.

"Neithg (little sister)-" he says and I hear him take a step forward.

I swallow the hurt in my voice to ask a question, and he continues.

"What is wrong neithig (little sister)?"

"Why didn't you help me?" I ask, barely audible.

"Neithg (little sister), I-" but I spin around, cutting him off.

"You left me to the hands of that man! What if he had had a weapon?! I would've been gutted! It was a lucky thing he didn't have the sense to throw more than a couple wild punches!"

"You weren't hurt. I knew you could fend for yourself."

"The first thing you ever taught me about fighting was it is all odds! 'No fight is guaranteed!' The odds of my survival of that encounter might have been good enough for you to justify your inactivity, but I do not see it as such! Together the odds in my-our favor would have more than doubled! I thought we were allies! Why did you abandon me like that?"

"I did not abandon you, nor did I callously ignore your peril! It was for your own good."

"My own-!"

"If I had gotten involved it would have been an invitation for the rest of the mob to do the same! Your odds against one, clumsy man were far greater than our odds against over a hundred angry people. I would never back down from a fight out of cowardess neithg (little sister). It was the better way, a way to keep the peace. Only one man had to be hurt. Gi mellin (I love you), and would never abandon you like that!"

Throughout his speech he went from furious to indigence, ending with a look in his eyes that pleaded for a hug. I understand now and my fury is gone. Although, I'm still a touch bitter and shaken up. However, I cannot resist my brother's look long and I limp over and give him a hug, burying my face

in his stomach.

I must stop fighting with these boys. I'm afraid of losing another family, but the only thing that would destroy this is me. My insecurities and temper are my own worst enemies. I cannot lose them. I will not let my fear ruin my new freedom.