The Forgotten Journals III

051819

i can hear you screaming in the back of my mind.
i've memorized your smile and the sound of your laugh.
i can hear every laugh and every joke you've ever made just by thinking about it.
i can see you laying next to me, asleep.
and if i really focus, i swear i can feel you hugging me.

this is what hurts.
not the idea of remembering the bad times or the hurt that has circulated between us in the last 9 months.
it's the thought of remembering all the good things and all the times you've said "i love you".
it's getting up for school the next morning with puffy, bloodshot eyes and zero hours of sleep.
it's constant headaches from thinking about you.
it's sitting alone in an empty room and wishing you could walk in and hold me.
it's clinging onto every time you've helped me and realizing that the good doesn't outweigh the bad.

it's realizing that i will never be more important in anyway.
that you'll always choose him above everyone else, no matter how important you say they are.

the real hurt comes from knowing that no matter how much i want to run to you and tell you everything,
or how much it's killing me to not call you,
i can't do any of it.

and we've been here before.
that's the scary part.
but i don't think i want to do this again.
i can't keep getting my heartbroken by someone i call best friend.
you said our relationship was different.
nothing like any friendship you've ever had.
it's the same for me too.
because i've never sacrificed, cried, hurt, and thought so much for a person other than you and our friendship.

because when i say i love you to people i don't just toss it around.
when i say you've saved me i mean more than just making me happy for awhile.

i know what hurts.
i know what i need.
i know what i wish.
but what about you?