I never met you. I never got to know your aura. I never got to feel your touch. I never got to know your smile. I never got to know your laugh. I never got to know your eyes. I never got to know your good. I never got to know your love. I never got to know your height. I never was able to show you who I am. Who I could be. Who I would be. I never got to know you.
You never got to know me. You never got to know my personality. You never got to know my fear. You never got to know my care. You never got to know my love for her. You never got to know my respect for you. You never got to know how I would treat her. You never got to know what kind of person I am. You never got to know all of my promises and wishes. You never got to know me.
It's now been three years since you left this world. Three years since I could've met you even just once. I like to think that once, at least once in my 15 years before, did I meet you at least once. Passed you in a grocery store. Drove past your truck. Watched a plane you flew on fly overhead. I am reaching for any kind of connection I could've gotten. Anything I might've had. Anything.
It's been a year since I've started playing an important role in your daughter's life. One year now that I am mourning your loss. The loss of glares. The loss of awkward dinners. The loss of touch. The loss of having my girlfriend's father there to intimidate me. You were supposed to be here. You were supposed to frighten and mock me. You were supposed to call me out for mistreating her. I was supposed to prove myself to you. I was supposed to ask you for permission to marry her. You were supposed to hold our children in your arms. You were supposed to walk her down the aisle. I was supposed to watch you grow older and grayer with her mom. I was supposed to watch you eat steak with my dad and drink beers at the dinner table. I was supposed to see you pull into the driveway in your truck. I was supposed to meet you. You were supposed to know me. Why can't you know me? Why does shit happen and life sucks and everything just is? Why?
My body is cold and numb. I am supposed to write an essay on trigger warnings but instead I am listening to a playlist I made of songs that make me think of you and I am writing this. I want to know you. I want to be fearful of you. I want to respect you.
It's been three years, sir. I hope you wished her a happy eighteenth birthday.
Love, your daughter's girlfriend.
YOU ARE READING
The Forgotten Journals III
PuisiPart Three of "The Forgotten Journals" Series. "My bounty is as boundless as the sea, My love as deep; the more I give to thee, The more I have, for both are infinite." (Act II, scene ii) Roméo & Juliet
