Absent

Chapter 7: Not-so-gladly in love

"Hey Heather... It's me, Ashton. Your brother, who's never leaving you. I want you to know that, alright? I have news for you. Harrison Magalski was captured. He tried to flee the country. That idiot. But don't you worry, alright? I'm always here for you... Just please, Heather... Please wake up."

I open my eyes, still feeling Ashton's presence in my memories. I can still hear his voice. He talked to me all the time while I was in comma. He used to talk for hours, but I barely remember pieces of his speeches. Mostly, his voice is edgy and he pleads for me to stay, for me to open my eyes and look at him.

Ashton used to tell my unconscious body how he was mistreating his own. He used to threaten me, telling me he'd commit suicide if I didn't wake up soon.

I'm ashamed to wonder if that's how he died.

I just wish I knew how he died.

Oh Ashton.

I look around me, at the park, where everyone's living their lives like any other day, except me. I'm sitting on a bench, trying to remember exactly what my dead brother once said to me while I was in the edge of dying myself.

I curse at myself for ever trusting Alex, for not asking for his name earlier, for not reading the signs. I should've imagined... I should've known... A tear runs down my dry cheer; the only proof that I can feel grief outside my mind, where everything's confusing and everything's mixing up...

"Heather." Chester pronounces my name uncertainly. I turn around to face him, and read his body posture as nervous. I laugh. Why have I been hiding from him? "May I talk to you for a sec?"

"Sure Chester."

He sits down, shy of me. "I wanted to ask... may I ask?" His voice is careful not to be raised, nor to be in a whisper. I nod. "Well... It's about that day."

I gasp, finally remembering why I've been avoiding this conversation. But he's not about to let me go. He grabs both of my hands gently, gentler than Alex ever did. "Please listen to what I have to say. I want to thank you. You saved my life, Heather."

I'm forming the words in my mouth, wanting to answer that it was no big deal, for I have nothing else I can tell him-

But he kisses me first.

I pull apart.

"What the hell?" I say, standing up and searching for regret in his face. There's only confusion.

"That kiss you gave me in class... Don't you love me?"

"Shít, Chester! I'm not going to answer that. I didn't mean for that kiss to happen, it just did. It was an accident. Not because of that I ofdicially-"

"-Then why did you save me that day? What reasons did you have to sacrifice yourself, for me?"

He wants an answer. He needs an answer. He deserves an answer.

Why am I not giving him an answer? I shake my head slowly, feeling more tears rush down my face. "Oh, Chester. I don't know anymore. I don't know anything. You deserve me to tell you. You're so sweet, and so caring and loving... I wish I could correspond you right now, but I don't know. I once was sure about this. That was a long time ago."

I bite my lip, wanting to clear things out between us before forcing him to suffer even more for me. He swallows his next words, and looks away to regain composure. Finally, he speaks again. "You're not the same. You would've never told me that before. I guess, you're right. Just so you know though; I do love you, Heather. And you're saying hell a lot."

We both laugh, a good-hearted laugh. "Alex said that too."

"Alex?"

I inspect him again, deciding to trust in him. "It's a long story. Care to walk with me?"

We walk all the way to my house talking like two old friends. It reminds me of Jimmy. It feels like a natural friendship between me and Jimmy, and me and Chester. But with Chester, it's more complicated. I once wanted nothing more than for him to tell me he loved me, and for me to jump on his arms, and for Jimmy to attend to our wedding.

Oh, I was blindly in love of Chester. But now that he's standing next to me, in this August night, the butterflies in my stomach are few, if not none. Perhaps, something could happen between us.

In these moments, it's easy to forget that I have so many other responsibilities. I need to do so many things with so many people to catch up with everything I've been missing.

But here with Chester, I'm not pressured by that. I'm only pressured to feel a spark between us...