So Far Away- Min Yoongi x reader

4

Extreme trigger warning: self harm almost accidental suicide

Y/N POV

Although I was raised in a Christian based household, I'm not a very religious person. As a child I participated in Christmas traditions with my family during the holiday season mainly to please them. My youthful memories of the holiday season are filled with presents, the smell of freshly baked cookies and laughter with my once happy family.

Thanks to my family the once joy filled Christmas season now leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. My family is what many would call wealthy, they are held in very high esteem by many. Everything had to be perfect to my parents, our house, our education, and of course their two precious children.

So naturally when they discovered that their 16 year old daughter was actually a self loathing disgrace to the family, they all but disowned me and sent me to my first mental institution where they locked me away.

Forgotten and alone.

I still remember the night that they had me sent away. They had found a journal that I used to write and draw all of my deepest feelings and pains in. They ran into my room screaming at me, my mother grabbed my arm and pulled me out of bed and pulled up my t shirt. She looked at the bright red scars that covered my stomach and thighs and screamed at me about how much of a disgrace I am.

She was screaming at me so much that she woke up my younger brother, he looked so frantic and confused standing in my doorway with his glow in the dark race car pajamas on.

My dad was on the phone in the hallway, talking in an angry and hushed tone as my mother continued to barrage me. Soon, two men in black suits came into our home late that night. They drug me out of the house screaming and crying as my parents watched with a look of hatred and disgust on their faces.

My younger brother was screaming and crying the whole time. I'll never forget his face, puffy and red and covered in snot and tears. He was so scared. And so was I.

I stayed at that first institution for an almost an entire year before I was allowed to return home. During that year I wrote hundreds of letters to my family back home. To my mother, father and my brother, telling them about how lonely and scared I was. How I could not wait to come home. Not once did they ever write me back.

When I finally was allowed to come home, I returned to parents that desperately wanted to pretend like nothing had ever happened. But every time they looked at me I could sense their thoughts about me.

Their emotions filled my mind in the form of colors.

Shades of guilty green and angry red swirled in a whirlwind of confusion and disgust. The colors of Christmas.

They ruined Christmas for me. Every time I looked at the horrible green and red decorations that year it made me physically sick to my stomach.

They walked around, smiling and laughing like nothing happened. Like they hadn't abandoned their only daughter. But it did, they sent me away like I was nothing to them. One night while I was in the attic bringing down the last of the decorations for Christmas, I stumbled across a large box labeled, 'to burn'. It was filled with all of the letters I wrote them during the time that I was gone.

As well as hundreds of unmailed letters from my 7 year old brother, Jae-Hyun. Not a single one from either of my parents. I sat down with tears in my eyes and read each and every letter from him. They were filled with pictures and drawings of us, his words were so full of love and confusion and pain.

It broke something inside of me.

From what I gathered, my parents lied to him about everything. They told him that I was sick and had to be sent away so I didn't infect anyone else. They told him so many lies about where I was and what happened to me. He thought I abandoned him, he was begging me to come home. I couldn't help but start sobbing as I read his words. I could see crinkles in the paper where his tears had soaked into the sheets and dried. My own tears started to fall onto the white papers as I clutched them in my shaking hands and cried.

It's not a wonder why he looked at me like I was an illusion when I walked through the door for the first time in a year. He probably thought I was some disease ridden rodent who wanted nothing to do with him.

I tried my best to smile and play with him though, and I guess he quickly forgot all about the lies our parents told him. He told me all about how school and his friends were doing, he truly treated me just like he did before I left. It made me smile to know that my brother didn't look at me like I was a broken person like my parents did. He seemed so genuinely happy to have me back...

I stood up with tears in my eyes, knocking the box of letters over as I did. They spilled out onto the floor and down the ladder to the attic. I ignored them and I ran to my room, clutching a piece of paper in my hand. I sat on the floor of my bathroom with one of the pictures that Jae-Hyun tried to send me clutched to my chest as I choked on my own sobs.

Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I just be strong enough to make my family proud? Why can't I just be enough?

These thoughts swirled around in my head like a strong ocean current, pulling me deeper and deeper into the dark cold waters. My hands fumbled around in a drawer under my sink. Finding what I wanted, I grasped in in my hands like it was my closest friend. I started tearing apart the razor with cold shaking hands.

My thin fingers traced the healed and scarred skin on my exposed thighs. They were clean of cuts and looked like a canvas to me. I wanted to paint the most dark of pictures on my own skin. After what I found out tonight about my family and a year of being in a mental institution, I am yearning for a release.

My erratic fingers started to etch deep cuts into my thighs as I watched the velvety crimson liquid stream out of me and pool onto the ground below my legs.

I was on an absolute high as I continued to assault my skin, I carved the word "failure" onto my upper left thigh in deep jagged letters. I hissed as the stinging of my skin intensified.

I laughed softly as I watched the blood pool onto the floor around my thighs. I set the bloody blade down next to me and caught a glimpse of the picture of my brother and I. We were hanging side by side from a tree branch together, smiling and holding hands as we looked into each other's eyes.

Suddenly happy memories and images flooded my mind as I stared at his smiling face.

This is wrong.

He would be utterly destroyed if he could see what I have done to myself, what I've become.

He needs me.

As I tried to stand up to grab a towel to stop the bleeding, I felt my head rush, making me fall me back to the ground. Dark blood began to pour out of my leg much faster than I had expected.

The once calming and beautiful sight of the crimson liquid quickly turned to hot fear as I realized that I may have gone to far this time.

Blood covered the floor and my legs. I tried to crawl to the cabinet, but I started sliding and slipped in my own blood and crashed back onto the ground.

Panic quickly rose in my stomach and left me breathing heavily as I gripped onto the counter trying to pull myself up. My legs feel weak and my head is spinning so fast...I can't focus on anything.

Once I am standing I can see myself in the mirror, my arms and hands are covered in blood, my hair is matted and my face is covered in snot and tears. I can see smears of blood on my cheeks. I look down at my body and the sight makes me physically wretch into the porcelain sink.

I can see deep red pouring down my legs, both of my legs are shaking violently and are completely covered in so much blood that I can see barely any clean skin. The floor is covered in red, even the once pink bath mat is now soaked in the liquid, staining it the color of my pain.

"It looks like someone was brutally murdered in here...' I think to myself as my legs go numb and the world starts to fade to black.

I guess someone was.