The Heart That's Inside

chapter THREE

"Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape"
- Charles dickens

I can already feel the heat of the water before I dip my toes in, I liked the warmth. It made me feel something, since lately I haven't felt anything at all. No pain, no anger, no sadness, just nothing. I think that was scarier than anything. To be empty, so empty and numb, that you can't feel.

I slip into the water, slowly. I wanted it to wash over all of my body, all of my parts, at different times, not just at once. It stings a little, but only for a moment, and just like the rest of me, my body goes numb. I slip a hand out of the water, trailing my bulging belly with my finger, swirling it around, watching the droplets fall from my hand, down the tips of my finger, then on to me.

A nudge stops me. I stare down at myself, "What just happened?"

I wait, and start again, cautiously trailing my fingers around until another nudge, pushed back. I lay my palm down flat, I can feel it, I can feel the baby. Back and forth, like a game between us. I would lay my hand down, and it would push back, sometimes softly, others harder. I paused for a second to turn back on the water, it was getting colder, I didn't want to stop our game, I liked the feeling.

As I laid back down, there was a jolt inside me, a sharp movement, causing me to look down. As I watched, the shape of a foot appeared. Disappearing below before rising again, each time, getting stronger and more firm. I couldn't believe it, was this really happening?

I glanced in amazement at what I was seeing. "Hi, little bean," I whispered. "I see you, Mommy sees you." I started tickling it's foot, it didn't like that very much, and I'd get a couple extra kicks. It was feisty, just like me I thought. Just like me? That sounded nice, at least a part of me made it's way inside of him. I could get used to that thought, it comforted me to know that we could have the same personality.

Eventually the movement, and the game, stopped. Back to sleep it went. I grabbed the edges of the tub and hoisted myself up. Wrapping myself in my favorite towel, I didn't feel the need to dry myself off anymore. It was exhausting just standing up.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I passed, stopping to take in the roundness of my slowly, but ever growing belly. The stretchmarks starting to coincide with my skin, taking up more space along it, but I couldn't be worried about that now. I had felt him move! It was finally starting to feel real, at least for me anyways. 

For the first time, in a long time, I felt something inside of me.  I enjoyed every minute of it, I loved watching him tumble around, kicking away.  As I stood there, taking it all in, all my worries started to fade deep into the background. New thoughts started to arise, pushing against the over crowding of fear and pain.

I smiled.

Maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay.

***

Love.

What is Love?

Sure, everybody has their own idea about what it could be, but no one knows exactly why it happens.  Each of us experiences it in different ways, some feel it stronger than others, some don't believe it even exists. For those of us who live by it, count our last breath for it, when it eventually ends, it shatters the very existence of who we were.

For me, it could only be explained, as the worst day of my life. So far.

 I was learning to come to terms with the cards I was being dealt, finally starting to breath a little easier. It was nice, considering where I was a few weeks ago. From barely hanging on, to now, being able to hold my head up a little higher. I had started to weave a slightly thicker thread to keep me grounded, keep me here.