Ishihara // ATEEZ ✔

39 |1| Broken

He doesn't know what has gotten into him as today he doesn't feel like going into town or interacting with anyone, so he grabbed the sword hung on his wall, which had collected dust as it's barely been used. He marched on his own to the practicing range, relieved that he had not bump into anyone that would be so curious on why he was dragging his sword around.

So now he stays facing the practicing dummy, ready to give his first strike. He feels like there is something burning at the back of his mind, something tugging at his senses, something not right. But he can't point it out, so he wishes that getting a little bit of exercise will help him to untangle it. He swings the weapon in full force, adding to the scratches on the wooden dummy. He gives it a few more strikes, his mouth spilling out shouts with every attack, but the heaviness in his chest still hasn't lifted off. Infuriated that he can't seem to get it right, he drives the sword all the way through the dummy's centrepoint, leaving it wedged there before falling to the ground, lying on his back. He hooks his hands behind his back, using it as a pillow as he lays still on the ground, looking up at the clear sky.

He rarely dwells on the past; he finds that thinking about it would only slow him down. Plus, he finds that thinking about what had happened would only bring pain to him, and he doesn't like to show that he is in pain. He never cries in front of anyone, because he hates the pitiful looks he would get if he ever does. He knows that they're only trying to help, but he can't help but feel that if he ever let his tears drop and someone was there to witness it, he would be considered weak. He doesn't like that.

The start of his life is already pitiful enough; he is left to fend for himself on the steps of the palace, too young to remember and understand anything. Strangers around the palace pass him around, without even knowing where the baby with the adorable laugh and chubby cheeks had come from. The only clue he has about his identity is that he has blue blood - which could only mean that both of his parents are commoners. Or were. He doesn't know his kingdom of origin, whether his parents are still alive, his other family members or what is the reason he was left alone at the palace.

As he started calling Seonghwa his older brother because he finds that they have a lot of things in common, he forgot about his painful start. Instead, he grew up to be a happy boy, later on a man, who doesn't let anyone dampen his spirits. He's known as the happy pill of the 'young masters' of the palace, because he makes them laugh with his antics. He's the glue that holds them together because he always tries to make sure that everyone is good to each other, making sure that they won't be keeping sour faces to each other for more than a day. He's also known around town for being loved by many girls, and he honestly enjoys it. With the girls around him, he likes the attention he's getting, because all of them seem to fill the void left in him by his parents. It is as if he wants to shout back, telling them that at least someone loves him. At least they get excited when they see him coming into town, and they crowd around him like he's the most precious thing in their lives. He keeps it at the back of his mind, but at times he imagines what his parents thought of when he was born.

Did they hate him? Was he not supposed to be born? Was he a result of a scorned relationship? An affair? Or were they too poor, not able to raise up another child? Does he have siblings? Someone older or younger that look like him? Would he be happier if he were to grow up with them?

He's grateful that he at least gets to experience how a happy childhood is like, growing alongside Seonghwa and San, who became close friends to him and making his life more colourful. They do bicker sometimes, but he won't trade them for anyone else. The others came into the picture much later, when he hit his teens, but he won't hesitate to sacrifice himself if they were ever in danger. He always keeps on a cheerful front; he can fool everyone but himself. As soon as he starts shutting himself in his room, locked away from everyone else, the darkness starts clouding his mind. He wants to find his family, but he doesn't know where to start. He's jealous of the others who have a family, even though some would rather run away from instead, like Yeosang, or some that look like the most perfect family, like Mingi's, or some that still think about their child even when they're far away, like Jongho's. He wants to have that - but he never had it.