Ishihara // ATEEZ ✔

39 |2| Nightmares

The nightmares... they came back.

It always starts with something plain; nothing special. In every nightmare that she has, she always stands in the middle of a large white room - but she can't be so sure because that's the colour she sees - alone. When she thinks that she is safe, the whispers happen. She can't see them, but the cries and shouts full of torment bury themselves in her ears, replaying incessantly. No, she doesn't know who the cries and shouts belong to individually, but she knows, those are the people she killed before. Those are the cries and shouts she heard before she ended their lives, the sounds being the last they are able to make.

As she looks upon their bodies falling to the ground, she thinks, this is my job. I'm killing them because the queen asked me to. I'm no monster; I'm only carrying out my job.

But how much of it is the truth?

When the show of sounds is over, the visual comes taking over next. Her victims' faces fill the white walls of the room she's in, morphing together to form a figure that makes her wish that this is all a nightmare. It is, but why is it so hard for me to wake up? She struggles everytime, having to face the morbid show until they all become a confusing mess, and then it's gone. It usually stops there, with the indiscernible array of faces being the last thing she sees as she finally, much to her relief, snaps back to the real world. She would wake up with cold sweat and a shaking figure, and with her looking at her hands, desperately trying to erase the memories of the people she killed with them.

But today, it doesn't end there. Today, it's different. Today, it's longer... and much more horrifying.

This time, she can clearly see the faces in front of her. This time, she knows each and every person kneeling in front of her, their faces swollen and bloodied, their mouths gagged and their hands tied behind their backs. She doesn't even realize that her right hand is gripping her sword - the one that she has brought with her every time and the one that people have associated her with - and that she's standing beside the queen. Her former friend. But in this nightmare, what's their relationship like?

This is not right. Nothing in this nightmare is right.

She is not supposed to stand beside the queen, because she doesn't belong there. She is merely a soldier who should be in front of the queen, bowing and kneeling, taking orders like she always does. The people in front of the two of them should not be there, too injured to fight back. She studies the faces one by one: Jongho, Hongjoong, San, Yeosang, Wooyoung, Seonghwa, Mingi... and what makes it more ridiculous is that even Yunho is on the ground with them, being in the same state as the rest.

No, this is not right.

All of them have their heads hung low so she can't look at their eyes, except for Yunho, Jongho and Mingi, whose eyes are accusing as they look at her.

"There is simply one more thing that you need to do before you're completely free from my grasp. After this, I will release you and you will be able to do what you want to all this while," the queen suddenly says. "Kill them all and you will no longer be my servant. Kill them all, and you are allowed to live just like how you wanted to."

How... I wanted to live?

She wanted to live like the people of Nyla. She wants to live a life where the colour of blood is no indicator of your status. But what is the point if she has to kill them for her to be able to live like them?

Why... do I always have to make these decisions?

Her mind and her body seem to be separate entities because as she thinks that, her body is complying to do otherwise. Her mind is telling her to stay put, but her hand is already raising the sword, ready to slice through the bodies of the men in front of her. She wants to command herself to stop, but she finds it useless as she wordlessly tears through the skin of each and every one, splattering blood on her clothes and skin. Her hands are steady but her lips are trembling as she watches them fall to the ground, lifeless.