Hamilton one shots ;p

tiny white pills

Jeffmads (james pov)
Angst *evil laugh*
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Sick. Its a funny word.

Im sick. With some overcomplicated disease thatll end with my end.

But im also sick. Of faking a smile. Of hoping I'll get better. Of waiting for something else to end my life when I have the chance to do it myself.

I dont care what the doctors say.

These things always end with me trying way to hard and only ending up broken anyway.

Maybe I want to stop trying.

Maybe for once I can just let go.

And I know, I sound like an idiot. Im sure it would make people sad. But theyll get over it eventually, and life will move on.

This is how it was always going to be.

Mom and Dad knew from the moment I was born. As soon as I was diagosed, rushed away, hooked up to a million tubes and pumped with even more drugs, they knew. They were the kind of parents that would have to bury their son.

The kind that knew how it would all end.

All im doing is orchestrating a graceful leave.

This way, i dont have to go out barely alive, frail and broken.

I can go now. Cut my losses.

So here I lay, on my deathbed. Sure its a hospital bed, but its where I spend most of my days anyway.

I reach to the bedside table, pouring countless tiny pills into my hand.

Without thinking, I toss my head back, swallowing the bitter lump unceremoniously.

And with that, I lean my head back, waiting for my brain to go numb.

It was a nice life. I had good parents, a sweet boyfriend. Theyll be fine, im sure. My parents will move on, my boyfriend will find someone new. Someone who can go places, who can give him the kind of life he deserves.

But just as I feel the pills start to take effect I hear someone walk in.

Opening my eyes, I see that its him.

"Jem..." he whispers, his eyes staring at the empty pill bottle in my hand.

"Im sorry." I mumble, my voie soft. I watch as a tear falls down his face.

He walks over, trying to sit me up.

"You have to purge. We still have time before they take effect." He says, grabbing a trash can.

"No. No. Thomas. Let me go." I whisper, begging him to do what will hurt most.

"No. God please, no. Dont leave me." He sobs, his hands running through his hair.

I reach out, pulling him close. I wrap my arms around him, holding him tightly.

As we hug, I hear him sobbing, his tears soaking into my gown.

"Please dont do this." He begs, making my heart break.

"I love you." I respond, my voice becoming weak. I can hear the heart rate monitor growing slower.

He holds me tight to his body as he breaks down.

"Please no no no. I cant-no. Please." He sobs out between breaths, pulling back and looking at me with red, puffy eyes.

I smile at him, trying to stay strong. One of us has to.

"I love you. This isnt your fault, I promise. I just dont wanna live like this anymore." I say, holding his face with my hand.

I pull him close, kissing his lips one last time.

Its so bittersweet, the familiar feeling reminding me of all I'm leaving behind.

Still, i cherish the feeling, smiling even though my body feels so weak.

I pull back with a smile, savoring every memory as my eyes close for the very last time.

The last words I hear are faint, barely even able to be heard over the dull sound in my head. But its there all right.

"I understand."