Steven Easton

Give It To God

Tuesday, May 28

So, yesterday was the last day that Ava had with her dad, and she was very respectful towards him, and after he left last night, she asked me, "Can I live with him?"

Exchanging glances with Morgan as we were chilling out in our living room, I folded my arms as I was sitting next to Morgan on the couch. "When you're 18," I told her bluntly, trying to not think about how much that request cut. 

"But he's my dad." Ava sat on the chair closest to us.

"Is that really what you want though? Do you really want to leave your friends and here?"

"I don't want to go to middle school."

"But if you went to middle school down in Florida, you wouldn't know anyone. At least here, you know people."

"Yeah, but still."

"Why do you want to live with him instead of Steven?" Morgan asked Ava, genuinely concerned as if I had done something to make her think this way.

"I don't know--because he's my dad. That's where I'm supposed to be, and he'd let me have my phone I bet."

"Is that what this is about?" I asked.

"No."

"Why don't you want to live with me then?" I needed to know what I did wrong.

"I want to live with my dad, okay?"

"No," I said, "it's not okay. I love you like a daughter, and the idea of you not living here is like you..." I couldn't even describe it in words. "You're my kid. You can't just leave. I can't just let you go with a guy you barely know. You deserve a stable home environment, and that is what I'm giving you." Rubbing my chin, I reminded her, "Nick could be the nicest guy ever, but he could also be the worst guy ever. You barely know him."

Glaring, she told me, "Why did you want me to meet him then?"

"Because I didn't want to lie to you, but legally, I have custody of you, and I can't just let you go live with him. I have the legal responsibility to take care of you, and I happen to like you, so I'm keeping you." I gave her a smirk, trying to lighten the mood.

"But what was the point of meeting him if I can never see him again?"

"So you wouldn't think I was lying to you, and I never said you couldn't see him again."

"I didn't even want to meet him in the first place."

"Then why do you want to live with him?"

After a moment, she confessed, "Everyone else has real parents." 

"I am your real parent," I said bluntly. "When Morgan and I have kids, they will be treated no differently than the way I treat you now." That's actually probably not true because I will probably learn from my mistakes, but that's beside the point.

Tears welled up in her eyes as she asked, "Why did my parents have to do drugs?" There was an overwhelming amount of anger in her voice as she stood up, heading for the upstairs. "Why?" 

Shifting in my position on the couch, I put a fist up to my chin. "I've been asking myself the same question for my whole life, and the fact that she has to deal with the s*** that comes with all of it pisses me off." I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. In order to keep Ava from overhearing, I kept my voice low, "And the fact that she is thinking about wanting to leave just..." 

Morgan pulled me into a hug, even though we were sitting on the couch. "Give it to God," she whispered.

A few minutes later, I knew I needed to talk this through with Ava.

She was sitting on the corner of her bed, knees curled into her chest, so she could hug herself. "I'm sorry I put you in the middle of this," I told her as I walked in.

Her tearstained face reflected anger, but if we broke everything down, there'd be so much more behind the anger. "I just..." She shrugged, burying her face in her knees. "I don't know what to think."

"Are you glad you met your dad though?"

After a moment, she said, "Yes."

"Yeah, good. Why?"

"Because now I know him." She paused to look up at me. "You're right that I would've been mad at you for not telling me. I just wish I lived with him in the beginning like everyone else."

"I understand--really, I do, but I don't want to take you out of the environment you already know, and I like having you around. Losing you would be losing a child."

"I don't want to move away from you either," she finally said.

"Good." I walked over to her bed to give her a hug. "I love you."

"I love you, too."