Steven Easton

Owe It To Yourself

Wednesday, May 29

One more day left. *sighs* We can do this.

If I'm gonna be completely honest, this week has absolutely sucked. My kids want to be done just as badly as I do, and the three days we have this week are finals. Literally, I'm just making them turn in their papers and work on other homework or other stuff. In other words, if they want to play on their phones or Chromebooks, I'm not here to stop them. I have to grade papers, so in other words, skim through what students have written, and then base their grade off of whatever mood I'm in. I'm halfway kidding.

A part of me regrets being so willing to give up on teaching eighth graders here because I am unwilling to have my aunt as my boss anymore. I hope and pray that I made the right decision by switching to high school in the fall. Time will tell. I think I owe it myself to know that I am able to carry myself. I don't want help.

Ava gets out on Friday, and she's just as ready as I am, but I can tell she's nervous about middle school. If I had do this whole thing over again, I would've waited until the fall of 2019 to come up to Iowa. Jen and I had talked about it, but we both agreed that there may not be a position available in 2019. There is, by the way, because I'm leaving. I know that they haven't filled my position. It all worked out though because I met Morgan.

Tonight, I had a meeting for small group church leaders at Mike's church, so I left Ava home with Morgan. When I got back home, I had Ava shower and get ready for bed. While she was in the shower Morgan informed me. "She won't stop talking about her dad."

"What do you mean?" We were in the kitchen as I was preparing what will be tomorrow night's dinner.

"She just... Like, she wants to be with him. Like, she wants to hang out with him and see him again."

"Do you blame her?" I was tearing apart cream cheese to layout over the lasagna.

"No, but I think you may've opened a can of worms that you aren't ready to deal with."

"No s***."

"Maybe both of you need to get counseling or something because this is a lot."

"She was in therapy once a week, but she didn't like it."

"Just because she doesn't like vegetables doesn't mean she doesn't need them."

Turning over to look at her, I snapped, "You don't understand anything."

"Then help me try to." Her voice was calm. 

"I can't explain it to you." I went back to tearing up the cream cheese.

"Why did you want Ava to meet her Dad?"

"Believe me, I didn't, but it wasn't worth lying to her."

"What if he tries to take her away from you though?"

I looked at her again. "You think he would?"

"No, but did that not cross your mind?"

"Of course it crossed my mind, Morgan. What are you trying to say?"

"I think you wanted to meet your dad when you were younger, and you've held it against your mom, so you wanted to give Ava that with her dad. Am I right?"

Debating whether I was in the right state of mind of not to have this conversation or not, I didn't say anything. Of course she was right. 

"What are you thinking about?" she asked quietly.

"I wish Stacey and Nick kept their s*** together, so their child wouldn't have to experience this. It's gonna screw her up later, and there's nothing I can do other than to be there for her." 

"So, stop worrying about the things you can't control."

"It's hard to gauge what I can and cannot control, Morgan."

"All you can do is your best for Ava. She knows you're doing everything you can for her, and she misses you when you're not around." She paused. "You don't have to do this on your own. Strong people talk to people."

Biting my lip, I dumped the shredded cheese as evenly as I could over the top of the lasagna. 

"You're right," I told her, "I need help. I don't know how to handle this on my own." Admitting this gave me a sense of freedom that I couldn't explain. "I'm going to call Mike tomorrow."

Putting a hand on my waist, she kissed my cheek. "Don't back out of it though. You owe it to yourself."

"Thank you."