How Sweet It Is

Memories

The shower I'd taken once Zay dropped me off at my apartment hadn't had the desired effect. Fuck you, Ben Solo. My own words played on repeat in my mind. Those meaningless heated spur-the-moment words that I'd spat out. That had knocked him down a peg as if she hadn't done that already a few years prior. With an unsteady breath, I began my evening ritual and prepared for bed. My thoughts from this moment forward would rid themselves of Ben. Of his words. Of his voice. The way his hair seemed to sculpt itself perfectly around his face. Certainly not of the times we'd been together. 

No. I was not going to think about any of that.

Frustrated I finished brushing my teeth and curled up on my bed. Pulling my weighted blanket tightly around me for comfort. Fuck him. More like Fuck me.

It had been years and I still wasn't over Ben.

Every night I dreamed about different variations of that day. What could have been if I wasn't such a coward? A few stray tears rolled down my cheeks, I didn't bother to wipe them away.

Damn it. Damn it all to hell.

I had rid myself of everything that reminded me of him. I had moved colleges. I had distanced myself physically. Bought an entirely new wardrobe so that I wouldn't unintentionally stir up memories of dates, kisses, or his gentle touch. I thought it had worked. That I'd be over and done with it.

And yet here I was every fucking night dreaming about him. I suppose you can't run away from guilt. It always finds a way to eat you whole.

As sleep washed over me, after a lifetime of tossing and turning, the last image in my mind was of the look on Ben's face just before I stormed out. Not anger. No there was only defeat and sadness left in his eyes.

Ben's hands swallowed my own as we walked down the bustling streets of New York City. I had been vibrating with excitement since 3:00 o'clock this morning. This was my first, hopefully not my last, trip to the Big Apple. Ben had surprised me the night before with tickets, not just plane tickets but tickets to see a play on Broadway. Freaking Broadway! I didn't deserve him, truly, this practical saint of a man who had gone out of his way to plan a once in a lifetime trip for me. He kept the exact itinerary secret insisting that I follow him around this weekend. That he had more than enough planned and to trust him. So, here I was being led through unfamiliar streets, my wall of a boyfriend parting the red sea of bodies for us.

"Where are we going?" I asked over the crowd, everyone seemed to be getting off work as the streets hadn't been this full earlier in the day.

We'd already spent most of the afternoon recovering from a day full of multiple airports, delays, and that sticky travel grime that made my skin crawl. We would have been out to explore sooner if Ben hadn't joined me in the shower to 'save time'.

Normal showers barely fit the man. But a New York-sized hotel shower? I had barely managed to squeeze in there comfortably, adding Ben to the equation had been... interesting to say the least.

"This way sweetheart. We are almost there."

Gods that mischievous grin made me weak at the knees. His damn dimples. The freckles. The way his eyes lit up when he smiled. What did I do to deserve this? Me a literal nobody somehow ended up with this beast of a man that would surely make a name for himself one day.

My thoughts were struck short at the site before me as we rounded the corner. Time Square. Bright glittering screens covered the buildings down the packed street, illuminating those walking beneath them. It was funny, just how many lives were in motion all around us. Lives that had their own families, their own hopes and dreams, and their own worries.