Undone, Undress (Larry Stylinson)

fifty-one

Louis trudges back through the snow to the house, and slips back into bed but still doesn't fall asleep. Around daybreak he takes a shower and gets ready, before sitting in the guest room for a long while just thinking about everything.

Breakfast is stilted and uncomfortably quiet. The four of them sit at the kitchen table and make no attempt at conversation. Mostly, Louis stares at his plate, Harry stares out the window, his dad stares at the newspaper, and his mom stares at the three of them like she's waiting for someone to say something. The dialogue she hopes for never happens.

After that, they get in the car together and drive to church. Louis hasn't been to church in years and it seems fitting that he's going for a funeral. They're all dressed in black and Harry's mom is doing her makeup in the mirror. His dad clenches the steering wheel tightly and drives aggressively, cutting people off and getting pissed when they honk at him.

In the back, Louis holds Harry's hand. Harry stares out the window like he did at breakfast but this time the scenery is moving and he seems to be lost in it. Louis would be more worried that he was dissociating if it wasn't for the fact that every so often, Harry squeezes Louis' fingers or runs his thumb over Louis' knuckles.

They should be more concerned about hiding the fact that they're holding hands, because his parents are right there and they could turn around at any moment and see. But Louis realizes he doesn't care. In fact, in some way he wants them to turn around and see Harry holding onto Louis like he cares about him, like he wants to be with him. It feels like a victory over evil and Louis wants to rub it in their faces.

It takes Louis too long to realize they're driving to the funeral home instead of the church. They pull into the parking lot, and he's confused, until Harry explains to him that they're pallbearers and will be bearing the casket at church, so they need to pick it up from the funeral home first. Only the men in the family participate, and they're aren't enough here at the moment so they ask Louis to help. He and Harry are on opposite sides of the casket as the six of them lift it up and carry it outside in morbid silence, sliding it into the van that will transport it to church. It's something Louis has never done before and it feels wrong for it to be the body of someone he has never met.

At the church, they bring the casket in for the funeral and then Louis files in beside Harry's family to the second row. Bowing before the pew and crossing himself, he wonders how he got here and thinks that if someone told him a year ago that he would be in a small town in Illinois attending a funeral a few days before Christmas, he never would've believed them.

The priest speaks in macabre eloquence but Louis barely listens, too focused on the reactions of Harry beside him. He's trembling, hands shaking ever so slightly but Louis notices. When the priest acknowledges the family Harry lets out a tiny sob and then presses the back of his hand to his mouth, hard, to keep himself from crying outwardly again. When Louis looks over he sees tears spilling out of his eyes.

Louis comforts him in whatever way he can. It isn't much, but he tries. He sets his hand on his lower back and rubs soothingly, giving a steady pressure that proves he's there, that Harry isn't alone.