Undone, Undress (Larry Stylinson)

sixty-eight

They wake up sleep-soft and entangled in each other. Harry has his arms latched around Louis' upper back, pulling him closely so Louis' face is jammed against his chest.

It's stifling hot, but rather than feeling uncomfortable, it just feels safe.

"Harry, babe?"

"Yeah?"

His voice is muffled from being pressed into the worn fabric of Harry's sleeping shirt. He tries to pull back but there's a hand at the back of his neck holding him in place. "We gotta get up and pick up Cliff from Liam. We're supposed to be at his in an hour."

"It's only a ten minute walk, Lou, we'll be fine. We can stay here for a little bit."

"Fine, but only if we use this as an opportunity to talk about all the shit we need to talk about. I'm sick of putting it off."

"Alright. Where do you wanna start?"

Now, Louis feels glad they're pressed so close together, because there's no pressure to make eye contact. For a conversation like this one, it's a relief to just hold and be held.

"I have a question for you, and I want your honest answer, not just the answer you think I want to hear." Louis feels the movement of Harry nodding in response, agreeing. He closes his eyes and steals himself to ask, "Do you want a relationship? And not just like... Not something like what you had with Roman, but like, a real relationship. One that's built off of more than just sex."

"I want... I want a real relationship, with you."

Louis breathes in the scent of Harry, floral and soft with the bite of tobacco. Like roses and smoke, that's what he smells like. Especially after months of becoming acquainted with it, it's a fragrance that comforts Louis now. It grounds him.

"So like, so when you say that, what does a real relationship mean to you? Because I'm worried we might have different ideas."

"I want to be with you in every way," Harry admits boldly. "I want to go on dates with you, and just hang out with you, and sleep with you, and everything. I don't... I'm not very good at this, I don't think. I've never done this before. But I want to try."

"What made you change your mind? A few weeks ago you still wanted to be with Roman."

"I... I didn't know you even liked me. But then you let me pressure you into sleeping with me and I thought maybe... I don't know."

"But you still like Roman."

"That's not- I don't know if I ever really liked him. He just... He just takes care of me, sometimes."

Louis smoothes his palm along the subtle curve of Harry's hip. When he stands to his full height he looks very masculine, tall, lean, and commanding, but when he's lying down like this it's easy to forget his strength and to see only softness instead. "Every time you've see him, you've come back crying and covered in bruises."

"I ask for it, sometimes."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, like, I deserve it. If I mess up, he punishes me. It's only fair," he whispers.

"Harry, that's not... That's not normal. What do you mean 'mess up'? People in relationships don't do that. They don't hurt each other like that."

"I mean if I do something wrong or do something he told me not to do, he'll hurt me. I know it's not healthy but that's just us, that's just the way Roman and I are."

To some extent, Louis gets it. He understands. He understands that Harry keeps going back to Roman because he wants to be with someone, and because he feels like he deserves the harshness, the hurt.