I just can't

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Can I just go back in to time that I dont have any feelings for you? Can we just go back to the times that we are open into each other? Can we just go back to the times that we dont have any awkwardness? I wish I could but I cant. I know I cant. Trust me, I distance myself but it's hard. Can you also distance yourself and when I totally forget my feelings toward you could we just be friends again without any awkwardness? Could we just forget everything and start again as friends?
I'm sorry if sometimes you feel alone and left hanging,I'm sorry because in your most darkest days I'm not there to help or comfort you. I know I'm very unfair and I'm so sorry It's just that I'm dealing also with my problems about my parents,stress from schoolworks,friends and also of course I'm thinking on how can I even get back to times that we are so close to each other. I tried to ignore your messages but in just minutes I will just check if you're online. I look like a beautiful stalker eww.  Did you know that it hurts beacause I keep distancing myself to you cause I know its wrong? It is like taking a drugs it's illegal and the consequences of my action is ruining our friendship. Sometimes I imagine what if I dont have any feelings for you? What could have happen? Are we still be close?

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