Hiding

Chapter 16

Once Arthur could no longer hear Merlin and Gwen's footsteps, he let everything that had just happened hit him. He shook with his sobs, and he was sure that the guards outside his room could hear him. He was so stupid. How could he have let Merlin go like that? It wasn't like he'd explicitly told Merlin he didn't love him, but he'd implied as much when he told Merlin to go. He knew he'd broken Merlin's heart. His own heart was only held together by the knowledge that Merlin would be safe.

It was what felt like hours before he was able to gather his wits enough to move away from the place he and Merlin had been sitting by the window. He looked at the tray Gwen had left for him, but suddenly he wasn't hungry. He'd broken Merlin's heart. He knew that he had. One look at Merlin's eyes after he'd told him to go was enough for Arthur to recognize that. That was why he'd turned away.

Arthur would have taken it all back if he'd had to look at that utterly broken look on Merlin's face for a second longer. He laughed bitterly. Merlin was the one person who had wedged himself in Arthur's heart so well that he would never leave. He'd breezed past all of the walls Arthur had spent his entire adolescence building up. He'd undone everything Arthur had done to ensure no one ever go too close to his heart. He missed Merlin already. Not having Merlin by his side for the first time since Arthur had found him in the fortress hurt far more than Arthur expected it to.

Having nothing better to do, Arthur crawled into his sheets—the ones that still smelled like Merlin—and cried himself to sleep with the knowledge that he wouldn't be woken by a goofy smile and a witty remark.

X

Merlin let Gwen lead him out of the servant's entrance, where they weren't bothered, through several corridors, and finally through a set of doors he knew. They didn't lead to the physician's chambers, he knew, but he couldn't place them until they were in the room and he was attacked by a cloud of long, black hair. No—that was Morgana. She had her arms wrapped around him and was rubbing her hand up and down his back soothingly.

He let himself fall into her embrace, weakly bringing his own arms around her and finally breaking down into the tears he hadn't allowed himself while Gwen had taken him from Arthur's chambers. He was broken. So, so broken. And the only person who could have a chance of putting him back together again was locked away and didn't love him, anyway.

Morgana had initially hugged Merlin because she wasn't sure how he'd held up after all the excitement after last night, but now it was clear that something much worse had happened, and it wasn't anything that the rumors could explain. She looked toward Gwen, who looked down, silently saying that Morgana would have to wait if she wanted to hear the story. Morgana sighed.

Merlin took over ten minutes to calm himself down, and that was probably helped by Morgana's talent for calming people down. Or, she thought as she felt Merlin slump in her arms, because he had cried all he could cry and had fallen asleep. Motioning for Gwen to grab a pillow, she lay Merlin down on the floor. It wouldn't be proper for a male servant to be found asleep in her bed. It was hardly proper for him to be asleep on the floor, but the poor boy had obviously had an emotional day and needed the rest.

Morgana turned toward Gwen, a question on her lips. "What in the world did Arthur do to him?"

Gwen winced and answered in a much quieter voice than Morgana had asked in, "He... he thought it would be best for Merlin to leave, so that Merlin could help to quell the rumors. Merlin didn't want to leave. Arthur kept insisting, and Merlin was desperate. He—" she had to take a moment to collect herself so she wouldn't cry at the memory. "Merlin told Arthur that if Arthur loved him, he wouldn't make Merlin go. Merlin was already so upset that Arthur wanted him to leave, I think he just snapped. He didn't think Arthur would refuse him after that. But—but—"

"He didn't..." Morgana was incredulous.

Gwen nodded. "He did. Arthur told Merlin to go and turned away. Oh, Morgana, what are we going to do? Merlin's brokenhearted, and with good reason. Arthur's probably not much better."

"I'm going to kill Arthur." Morgana whispered fiercely. "I'm going to kill him. That idiot just threw away the one person that was truly good for him, probably for some ridiculous reason like keeping everyone else but him out of danger. Gods, he's stupid."

Both girls looked at the sleeping figure on the floor. They thought it was safe to assume that he'd never had his heart broken before, and he loved Arthur so much. Having everything torn away from him so soon after he'd gotten something he could truly love and cherish was going to take a toll on his fragile heart. It already had, in fact. The fact that he had cried until he slept told them that.

The girls simply sat in silence while Merlin slept, having no desire to inform Gaius of the situation. He would only tut-tut and shake his head about the stupidity of their boys, and that wasn't what Merlin or Arthur needed now. It was about half an hour before Merlin stirred again, only needing a cat nap after he exhausted himself crying. He sat up and looked blearily at the two girl in front of him.

"M'gana? Gwen? What're you doing here?"

Morgana laughed. "These are my chambers, Merlin. You fell asleep."

"I did?" Merlin blinked a couple of times before the last several hours caught up with him and he fought to stop the tears from falling.

"It's alright, Merlin. You can cry. Just don't fall asleep again." Gwen slid off her chair to hold Merlin as Morgana did the same.

"I—I thought... I thought he loved me." Merlin dissolved into a blubbering mess as he remembered what happened. "But he—he made me leave. I told him not to make me go if he loved me and he did it. He doesn't lo—love me."

"Hush, Merlin. Arthur's just an idiot who doesn't realize what he did. He does love you. He does. I promise you." Gwen talked in a soothing voice as she rubbed a hand up and down Merlin's arm.

"But—but he made me go! I didn't want to go. I want to go back. But—oh gods. He doesn't love me!"

This time Morgana spoke, trying to go for her teasing personality. "If Arthur doesn't love you, I'll kiss Sir Leon."

It was at that moment that there was a knock at the door. "Lady Morgana? Guinevere?" a familiar voice called.

Gwen got up and opened the door to reveal Sir Leon, whose eyes widened at the sight of Morgana cradling a sobbing Merlin in her arms. "Uh, Guinevere? What happened? I thought he was in Arthur's chambers."

"I'll explain later. Just help us calm him down."

"—to go back! I need to see him. Need to. Please?" Merlin's blubbering wasn't getting any more coherent. Leon pieced together enough to know that Merlin hadn't left Arthur's chambers because he wanted to. He knelt next to Merlin

"Hey, Merlin, you can see Arthur soon enough. But you need to calm down. Breath. In, out. Good, good. Just calm down for us." Leon seemed to be the most effective at calming Merlin down, so the girls left him to it. In a few minutes, Merlin was coherent and had stopped crying. Leon looked around. "Anyone want to tell me what happened?" When Merlin's lip started to quiver and he looked like he was about to start crying again, Leon decided that the story could wait. "Actually, we can talk about it later. Merlin, let's get you to Gaius's chambers."

He gathered Merlin up in his arms, since Merlin may have calmed down, but he was still exhausted and the spell had taken its toll on him, after all. The girls trailed after him, knowing they'd have to tell Gaius what happened as well. It took but a few minutes to reach the physician's chambers.

Gwen reached to open the door for Leon, since his hands were a bit full supporting Merlin. The sight that greeted them when they crossed the threshold stopped them in their tracks.