Nicole
"Darling, are you sure you shouldn't wait out this year as well?" my grandma asked as she entered my room, watching me pack the rest of my things.
I looked up to try to reassure her with a smile. Key word being try. She was hard to convince once she was set on an idea. And at the moment, she truly believed it would be better if I stayed.
"Grandma," I sighed when I saw the worried look on her face. "The entry exams are only good for two years, and I don't think I can match my scores if I have to retake them. I already missed a year, which is valuable time for learning. I really don't need anymore distractions."
She followed my eyes when I turned to look at the picture of my mom and dad hung up on the wall. The woman who sacrificed so much just so that I could have a better shot at a successful future. And the man who worked hard to make sure I could afford it.
I wouldn't let them down now that I was so close. I wouldn't be my own obstacle.
"Will you at least ease my worries a little and promise that you won't isolate yourself?" She carefully requested, a gentle smile grazing her delicate features.
If only I felt comfortable around other people, then I'd be able to do as she wanted. Truth was, I preferred to be alone through everything that I had to get through in life. Without anyone holding me back or becoming a distraction. People just sensed my vulnerabilities and used them to their advantage.
Honestly, I would've preferred a dorm room by myself. But that wasn't an option, much to my dismay.
Still, I wanted to ease her worries, even if I was lying.
I forced a smile before turning around, disguising it by going back to packing. I didn't want to lie directly to her face either.
But even with my back to her, I just couldn't do it. "You know I like to be alone, grandma," I slowly reminded her. "Besides, I'm off my medications now and my doctor told me I just had to keep myself busy," I tried my best to ease her worries without having to lie.
Solid advice, in my opinion. You can't overthink if you're busy doing other things.
The look on her face told me her worries wouldn't be going away with my lame attempt at an excuse, though.
Really, I didn't blame her for worrying. I just wished she would understand why I preferred to be alone. I refused to let mental illness control every aspect of my life. I wanted—no needed to plan and execute the way I lived my life. And what I wanted was to make my parents proud.
Was that so wrong?
Knowing she couldn't get through to me in order to change my mind, she walked up to stand by my side and helped me finish packing. The lack of words between us was enough to let me know that she wasn't happy about my choice, but her actions showed that she'd support me either way.
For that, I was grateful.
• • •
What was supposed to be a six-hour drive turned to seven hours on the road when traffic started up mid-trip. And when I finally arrived, it took me nearly thirty minutes just to find a parking spot, leaving me stuck with one farthest away from any of the buildings.
The campus map taunted me from the passenger seat, because the reception office was at the opposite end of the campus, which was where I had to go first.
For someone who hated walking and anything that could fit in the category of exercise, it was a nightmare. Though, I guessed after sitting for seven hours straight, that wasn't the worst that could happen. At least I'd be able to stretch my legs.
