A Harrowing Tale (New Amsterdam)

Plant Where You Bloom

"Hey." Max looked pleasantly happy as he entered my room, although his appearance was a little shocking from the last time I had seen him. Still pale, now with a prominent cut patched up with a bandage above his forehead, and his face was decorated with bruises from being banged up in the ambulance."What do you think of the name, Luna Ren Goodwin?"

"If that's the name you stick with, her name will forever mean moon of the water lily." I rasped out, finally testing my voice for the first time since being taken off the ventilator. Each word spoken was like a sharp object poking me in the back of my throat.

"I may be able to live with that. Actually, now that I think about it, her name has a good ring to it. Fitting, really." His expression changed as he rubbed his finger over his brow, then stopped as if he had forgotten he had a cut there. "How exactly did you know Ren meant water lily?"

"My sister gave me the nickname when she was little," I stated softly, suddenly feeling the sadness and dismay at the mentioning of her. I was still a little confused at the dream I had of her, yet somehow I didn't doubt that was how she'd probably act if we ever came face to face. "She couldn't pronounce Lauren, so to her, I became Ren. I remember her asking what it meant, so we went to the library that night and looked it up."

"What did she think?" Max questioned hesitantly as he pulled Luna's carrier closer to the bed after he saw me trying to look around him. "Georgia is still recovering, so she stays with me."

"Loved it. We looked up water lilies for twenty minutes before having to drag her home." That memory was still fresh in my mind. With everybody staring at us, I dragged her out of the library before we were shushed by the librarian or anybody else who wanted us kicked out. The only thing that stilled her crying was us needing to get home before mom. She knew what that meant if we weren't. That meant slapping, yelling, rough grabbing, and being sent to our rooms with dinner, all because she was drunk.

"Thought you might like to meet her?" Max glanced down at the carrier before carefully pulling her out into his arms. As I stared at her familiar face, I kept having flashbacks of Luna still freshly born nestled into Max's arms like she was now. The difference was that she was a lot older, which made me wonder how long I had been asleep. "I mean, officially because you delivered her." Realizing all her changing features from the last time I had seen her, I wondered how long I had been asleep.

"I don't know a lot about babies, other than delivering them, kind of."

"She's surprisingly quite easy. When I say easy, I mean she's very snuggly and cuddly. Kind of like a small teddy bear, except she wears blankets instead of fur." Taking small steps towards my hospital bed, he showed her off proudly as he bounced her up and down for several minutes until she settled.

"Fine." I relented, feeling like he was waiting for permission to put her in my arms. I was still quite weak. Then again, what would a small baby like Luna do to me?" I had always wanted to be an aunt, but I knew my sister probably would never stumble from her drug addiction to be a mother. "Hand her over." As I cradled her neck in the crook of my elbow, I found her to be surprisingly light and cuddly like Max had said she was.

"Lauren, if you weren't at my apartment last week, Georgia would not--" He paused, his eyes glassy as he offered a small smile of gratitude my way. "Would not be here. Now I've been wracking my brain and asking everyone in this hospital why you would be at my apartment at the exact moment things went wrong. No one seems to know."

"Come on Max, pick up." Again, I flashed back to that moment I had decided to hop into a taxi and try to catch him at his apartment before texting him, Please call me. It's important. It's about New Amsterdam. I had written that message all in caps as I quickly gave the driver the address and headed across town.

"The last thing you wrote in your text message to me was," Digging into the pocket of his sweatpants, he read off the message I had just been thinking about more than a few seconds ago. "Please call me. It's important. It's about New Amsterdam. May I add, it was all in caps."

"When you first approached me about my addiction, I was beyond angry Sharpe had spilled my secret. I wanted to do something about it but I couldn't, and the last thing I wanted was people to think their doctor had a drug problem. My mom is an alcoholic. My sister is in rehab for doing drugs and being an alcoholic. As much as I want to stay, I don't know if I can."

"You know everyone has problems. Everyone has a reason for becoming a doctor, a nurse, a physical therapist, etc. Mine was my sister, Luna. I realized when I couldn't help her physically, I knew I could do something in my power to remedy it, even when I lost her."

"You changed this hospital, Max." I looked down at Luna who had snuggled herself comfortably into my chest and it warmed my heart. At the same time, it made me realize he had really done something with his life. No matter how mixed up I was with staying or going, I didn't feel like I had really made a difference. "Me? What have I done? I repeated history and that's something I'm going to live with for the rest of my life. I put my patients in jeopardy. I lied. So I came to tell you myself that I don't know if I can be a part of this anymore."

"So you're quitting?" He sounded like a disappointed parent. I couldn't blame him for feeling that way. Frankly, I was disappointed in allowing myself to follow in the footsteps of my mom and sister when I had tried hard not to. It was the whole reason I had left home in the first place. "Is there anything I can say that will change your mind?"

"No. Not really." I was starting to feel tired, so I offered Luna back to him. I could feel my emotions swirling and I didn't need the medical director to witness the emotional breakdown I was about to have. "Dr. Candelario will be a good candidate to take over permanently. I'll clean out my locker when I get out of here." As he put Luna gently back into her carrier, his expression softened as he looked over at me.

"If it's any consolation, you were always a good doctor, Lauren. You've just been dealt some bad things you didn't ask to have in your life." I couldn't look at him, so I picked at the blanket laying over my body. "You don't think you've done anything? You ran a whole emergency department in the craziest of times. You saved many people who should have been at a total loss. You should be proud of that. I am." On that note, he wrapped his arm around the handle of the carrier and walked back down the hall.

I wanted to believe what he had said about running a whole emergency department. The only thing about that was I had been slowly losing control of my addiction while doing it. If I had learned anything, gossip here spread rather quickly. If it hadn't already happened I wanted to keep what reputation I had left. Needing time to sort my feelings out, I grabbed the whiteboard from the side of the bed and wrote, Please, no visitors.