A Harrowing Tale (New Amsterdam)

Stuck In the Middle

"Are you nuts? Dr. Candelario just filled me in about you going without drugs for your physical therapy." Casey entered the room as if there were a fire and he was coming to whisk me to safety because I couldn't move by myself.

"Hello to you too." I joked lightly, although I was starting to wonder if making a game out of who walked into my room next would be more amusing. "That the only reason you came in here, to ask if I was going without drugs while undergoing physical therapy?"

"No. I think we both know why you're doing it, but you know just as well as I do there are protocols they can use so you don't pass out while you're getting back to your normal, happy self."

"I knew you cared about me." I couldn't help but tease him. In a way, he was like the little brother I never had but always wished for. "Right now it's light therapy. Nothing I can't handle."

"Light therapy." He scoffed, scraping the chair legs against the tile floor in the most annoying way possible as he pulled it toward the bed. "You do know it doesn't work like that."

"How's the family?" I asked, knowing he couldn't resist talking about his family, especially when it came to his little girl.

"Lu is growing like a weed." He gushed as he picked up his phone as if he were going to show me and then placed it back in his lap. You need to come over and see her before she gets too big. She keeps asking for Lar, which I'm guessing is you. You're the only Lauren who has come over to the house."

"In that case, I will have to come over and see her again."

"She would love that." He mused, then paused for a moment. For a few seconds, I could hear the drone of voices in the hospital as a few nurses raced down the hall, but Casey barely noticed. "You know for someone who isn't much of a kid person, my daughter sure loves you."

"What can I say? She's got her father's argumentative persuasion. Not to mention, the cute factor is on her side."

"Thank goodness, she looks more like her mother." Casey sighed in relief. "Don't tell her I said that." I made a zipping motion with my fingers. My body was finally starting to cooperate a little more and feel a little less stiff and it was pretty welcoming after feeling helpless lately. "You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

"I do." I had to admit that change of subject caught me slightly off guard before I caught on and wondered what he was really getting at. Sure, he had always been my right-hand man when it came to running the emergency department. We had talked about most things, although I had left most of my past out of conversations for a reason. Now, the more I thought about it, the more I realized the whole situation was because of suppressed emotions and secrets I had kept.

I walked away from my sister and mom while feeling such extreme guilt, I couldn't breathe at times. Yet, if I hadn't left, I would have never had that push to go to college or to become a doctor. I would have never met Casey and all the wonderful people I worked with on a daily basis. The people who had become my family when I didn't have any. I would have never put those relationships in jeopardy if I had never taken more Adderall than what was prescribed. I would have never had to tell Helen about my addiction. I would have never taken a taxi to Max's apartment.

"Good. You look like you have a lot on your mind." He mused as his expression grew serious. Oh, how I wished I could just scream out everything that was plaguing me. How everyone that came into this room made me reconsider what I was doing. How I kept asking myself the same questions as if I were some broken record.

"Yeah, well when have you ever known me not to have something on my mind?"

"That's a fair point." He rubbed at his left eyebrow with a sigh. I thought he was going to let the conversation drop and leave, but he continued and my stomach knotted up in anticipation. "Would part of your thoughts have something to do with you leaving New Amsterdam?" As I tensed up, my blood pressure spiked on the heart monitor.

"Yes and no." I didn't directly confirm that I was leaving. The more people that knew about it, the more likely I wasn't getting out of here without people hitting me with questions. "I should have known you would figure it out."

"What I don't understand is why you wouldn't you tell me?"

"I couldn't." I shook my head, trying to contain the emotions rising inside of me. This was harder than I thought and sometimes leaving just didn't feel worth the emotional pain I was putting myself through. "Look, the day I came to see Max at his apartment was the day I planned on telling him I wasn't coming back. When he opened his apartment door covered in blood, I threw my explanation out the door because a little part of me thought I could do this again."

"So, what changed?" He shrugged his shoulders and I shook my head again, not able to find the exact words to explain my reasoning. The worst was gazing over at him and recognizing the hurt and confusion written all over his expression.

"Don't you think I would give you an answer if I knew it?" I sputtered out, not even caring if my heart monitor was going a little crazy at the moment. I didn't even care if a nurse or a doctor came running in here if it would save me from answering everyone's crazy questions. "I can't give you answers about something I don't know."

"Is everything okay in here?" A nurse popped her head into the room. I recognized her from the millions of times she had come into the room to take care of me. She had short blonde hair with fluffed-up bangs, tall but petite. I think her name was Angela?

"Fine. He was just leaving." I stated, shooting invisible arrows in his direction and he stormed out of the room.