When the day met the night (Ryden)

chapter seven : Business Of Misery

Title : misery business - paramore
BRENDONS P.O.V

I wake to find Ryan in my arms and I remember what happened the night before. His scream startled me and I ran through. I hadnt fallen asleep yet, the guilt was keeping me up. He looked so scared when the door opened, but he still let me hold him as he cried into me.

I look over at the clock in his room and the time reads 5:42. I'd normally be waking up soon to shower. My eyes drift over to his guitar and I smile to myself, thinking about how he would play it.

"what're you smiling about?" he asks me, rubbing his eyes and moving to stand.

"you." I say, not really thinking about it.

He sighs and walks away from the bed. "don't do that Brendon. Don't say things like that to just run away when I recipitate." he says warningly. He walks around his room getting his things ready for school and organising his clothes.

"in sorry ryan. I should never have called you that. It was a total dick move." I say, staring at him to see his response.

"it's okay Brendon. I was probably out of line too." he offers me a small smile and I feel my heart twinge. I bite back the words that tell him he's wrong and I wish I could kiss him again. Because it's wrong. And my dad... My dad.

"let's just forget about it yeah?" he says. I nod and that's it. Gone. Forgotten. I've ruined my chance.

"are you feeling okay? After your nightmare?" I ask, playing with my fingers.

"yeah... Yeah fine. Sorry I woke you up. I didn't mean to fall asleep." be says, rubbing his head and yawning.

"it's okay I wasn't asleep anyways." I reply, stretching my arms and yawning.  Ryan mumbles and sighs. He picks up his shirt and I see him hesitate. He looks up at me through his hair and my heart skips a beat.

"ive got to... Get changed... So I mean..." he trails off staring at me awkwardly. I finally get myself to stop admiring the boy and realise what he meant.

"oh right... Right yeah... Naked... Got it.. Ill go. Yep. Going." I stammer, jumping to my feet and running out of the room. I shut the door and lean my back against it letting out a breathe. I can't help but hear a soft giggle from behind the door and I feel a smile creep onto my face. Holy shit what's he doing to me.

I realise that I've left my hoodie in his room and without thinking turn around and walk in his door. Ryan's standing without a shirt on and his jeans and that's when I see it. The cuts up his arm. Some old but more worryingly ones that looked like they had just finished bleeding. Ryan spins and quickly pulls a shirt over his head.

"Brendon, listen Brendon don't freak out." he says, walking towards me like I was going to attack him.

"what the fuck. What the fuck Ryan. What are you doing to yourself?!" I whisper yell, grabbing his arm and rolling up his sleeve. He's crying now and trys to pull his arm away while I look at it. Purple and white scars cover his forearm and I assume the rest of his arms too.

" don't be angry. " he says. I look up at him and no longer see the sassy boy I normally Do. All his confidence had been sucked out of him and I slowly let go of his arm. He brings it close to his chest and pull his sleeve down roughly. I see him try and cover his wince and I don't know what to say.

"why Ryan?" is what I choke out, my voice alot softer then before.

"it dosent matter Brendon. Just forget you saw it. I'm fine." he says, regaining his composure slightly. He walks over to his tie and ties it around his neck.

"that's obviosuly not true Ryan. No one... Does that... If they're fine." I say, moving closer and grabbing at his hands so he had to concentrate on what I was saying. He begrudgingly looks me in the eyes and sighs.

"it's a mix of things Brendon. A mix of things that boil down to me hating myself. Nothing special. Nothing cute. Just... Me. I was clean for a year and then... Well now im not. I don't want your sympathy and I know I should stop. But I can't... It makes me feel better. A bit of release. It's so addictive Brendon shit it's so addictive." he says, so quite I can barely hear him. I nod my head and can't help but pull him into a hug. My mind wanders through the things that have happened in the past few days that could've made him relapse and I only come to one conclusion. Me.

I called him a faggot. I fucked with his feelings. I was ridiculously selfish and its my fault he relapsed. Im the worst person in the world.

"everyone up! Breakfast in an hour!" Jane yells, breaking the silence that had fallen on us. I slowly pull away from Ryan and sigh. I walk out of his room and into mine and that's it. That's all. No grand gesture. Just a bit of truth.

Spencer sits up and looks at me funny as I walk in.

" did you spend the night with your boyfriend?" he asks, rubbing his eyes with his hands.

"he's not my fucking boyfriend." I growl, tired and confused and hating myself a little more then normal this morning.

"alright chill out mate, just teasing." he says, standing up to leave for the shower.

"hey Spencer." I say, holding my head in my hands, not looking at him

"yeah?"

"sit in your normal seat today yeah?" I say, fighting back the tears in my eyes, but not succeeding.

"oh... Right okay." he says, pausing before he leaves the room. As soon as the door shuts I can't help but start sobbing. I'd ruined him. I have to distance myself from him or he'll just keep getting worse. Im bad for him and I need him to be happy. I just make him miserable.

RYAN'S P.O.V

I can't breath.

He knows. He knows too much. And now he hates me because I'm a freak.

"fucking idiot fucking idiot" I whisper. Slamming my palm into my head. I try to calm down as I pack my bag but my hands are shaking and Im utterly useless. I hear the shower turn off and know Spencer done. I peek my head out the door and to catch him as he leaves.

"Spencer mate." I say, ushering him to my door.

"what can I do for you man?" he replies, leaning against the floor frame.

"can you hook me up with something. I'll literally take anything you've got as soon as you can get it." I way, my voice obvsiouly shaky.

He looks at me for a moment before looking up and down the corridor for people.

"Ive got just the thing mate. Half price as well, I'm feeling generous." he smiles, walking into his room. Thirty seconds later he appears at my door again with a brown appear bag He passes it to me and I slip the money into his hand. He smiles at me and I nod at him before we both return to our rooms. I walk on unsteady legs over to my bed and sit down. I rip the bag off and see a bottle of vodka staring back at me. Perfect. Today will be fun.