When the day met the night (Ryden)

chapter eight : In A Storm Of Feeling, I'm So Unappealing

Title: a part of me - neck deep
A/n: just wanted to say thanks to everyone's who's voting and commenting. It means a lot to me and they're absolutely hilarious :)

BRENDONS P. O. V

As i get on the bus i makes sure to sit away from Ryan. I needs to distance himself as much as possible from that boy. For both of our sakes. I know that its not fair to keep talking to Ryan when i have no idea of myself. I dont know where to begin when it comes to figuring myself out and i sure as hell dont know how to let myself feel the way i know deep down i feel about that boy. That fucking boy.

From my seat i see ryan stumble onto the bus, nodding at Ray as he climbs the two steps to the seats. He walks to his normal seat, head down and hood up. He swayed slightly but not enough for anyone to really notice.

But I'm not just anyone

I watch as ryan flings himself to his seat and shuffles so he's leaning against the window. The bus starts, which means rays music does too. But Ryan doesn't put on his own music. He just sits.

I bite my lip at his slumped shoulders and unsteady feet and i want nothing more then to ask him whats wrong. To have Ryan tell me to fuck off would be better then this, whatever the fuck it was. But i couldn't. I cant let himself fuck everything up for Ryan. I cared too much.

I sit back in my uncomfortable seat and try to think of anything else. The bus ride is agonisingly long and by the time we get to the school I feel like I've aged twenty years. I'm careful to make sure Ryan leaves before I do so I can keep an eye on him. We have a lot of classes together but I'll just have to make sure I don't sit near him.

He slowly gets to his feet and walks down the Isle of chairs. His nuckels are white as he grips to the chairs to steady himself. By some miracle, he makes it off the bus without any major accidents and walks to first period. I follow him, making sure to not get too close. As the bell rings i take a seat at the opposite side of the classroom. I don't look up as Ryan walks in, but keep my head down. The lesson begins and I chance a glance over at ryan, but his chairs empty. He's not there

RYAN'S P.O.V

I needed to get out of there.

He hates me. He saw my scars and he thinks I'm a freak. I wish I could change for him but I can't do that. I can't undo what I've done.

He so disgusted he won't even sit next to me.

I run as fast as I can out of the room with my head still spinning and go to the toilets. It doesn't take me long and soon enough I've locked myself in a cubicle with the blade in my hand. I look at it against my already covered arms. I take another swing from the bottle in my bag and then don't hesitate to push the blade into my arm. I feel myself crying but I don't remember when I started. I feel so disgusting. So fucking disgusting. I start sobbing and my hands shake too much to hold onto the blade anymore.

I find myself stuck in this pace between wishing I was sober so my head would stop spinning, and just happy I can't feel how sore I am. The bells go by quickly and when I finally stop crying it's lunch. I clean my arm with toilet paper and slowly leave the cubicle. There's a few boys standing around but no one pays any attention to me. why would they.

I walk away from the toilets and find myself lost. I stand in the middle of the hall seeing people walking around with their friends. Happy. I sigh and hold back the tears threatening to spill. I'm about to go back to my cubicle when the bell rings for next period. I might as well. I walk along to biology, not paying attention to anything, completely lost in my thoughts. I sit down and notice that the seat next to me is still empty. I look around the room and see brendon, busying himself with his bag, sitting as far away as he could get. He hates me.

I reach into my bag and pull out the vodka. I'd moved it into a water bottle to dodge suspicion and take another swig. If today was gonna be shit, then i don't want to remember it.

The next two periods blurr together and then it's time to go home. The bus is waiting and I fling myself onto it. I sit in my seat, back straight as a board and wait for brendon to get on. As he does I stare at him until he looks at me. He trys to look away but I keep staring. He gets to the seat next to me and for a minute I think he'll sit next to me, but he turns away.

"of fucking course!" I say louder then I meant. I laugh to myself and turn back around to the front.

"everything alright back there?" Ray asks, turning down his music for a blissful two seconds.

"fine and fucking dandy r... Ray!!! Why don't you justput. Put on your shittty musicccc and drive huh?" I tell, standing up and swaying. Everyone's looking at me now and it's obvious I've been drinking. But I don't care. I'm so pissed off at myself that I just don't care. He saw them and he hates me for it. I thought he'd understand.

Ray doesn't say anything but turns up his music louder. I sigh and sit back down. We drive off and as I sit I start to get worried. What if he says something to Jane. I do like Ray. I didn't mean to upset him. I bite my nails down and when we reach the house I'm onto the skin around them.

Everyone starts to leave and I find myself alone on the bus.

"what going on?" a voice says. It's Jane. It only takes those three words and I'm crying. She sits in the chair next to me and holds me while I start sobbing into her shoulder. She understands me and knows that I don't want to talk. So we sit for what seems likes forever and I just cry.

"Ryan, I'm going to book you an appointment with Mr. Way." she says, pulling away slightly so she can see my face. I nod slightly and rub my eyes. I seem to have really fucked up again.

"can I see your arms?"

I freeze.

What the FUCK.

Jane knew I used to do it but she'd never asked to see my arms like this before. FUCK. and what made her ask now... I've only just started again and she knows... Unless... Unless brendon told her.

I don't respond, so she gingerly reaches forward and rolls up my sleeve. I know she's seen the cuts by her gasp.

"oh Ryan."

I feel tears falling again but I'm determined to not let them fall. I pull my sleeve down again and take my arm back.

"I'm sorry." I whisper.

"it's okay ryan. We'll get you help. You'll be okay." she says, hugging me once more. "ill pick you up tomorrow after school and take you to Mr. way's office.". She smiles. I appreciate that she's trying but I hate I've done this to her. She has so much going on and I've put this on her. I'm so selfish.

I slowly move to stand and Jane realises this conversation is over. She stands with me and we walk out of the bus. I smile at her as I walk up the stairs but as soon as she out of sight I'm angry. I'm fucking livid.

I burst into brendon and Spencers room.

"did you tell her?" I ask, not caring that Spencer was here too. Brendon stummbled on his word, clearly caught off guard.

"I.. I.. I was worried about you." he murmers, not looking me in the eye.

"for fucks sake brendon! You were so worried about me that you ignore me all day and make me feel like shit!?! I open up to you and this is how u treat me?! Just fuck off mate. I don't care anymore." I say, not once raising my voice loud enough for Jane to hear. I see brendon eyes watering and swallow the guilt. I walk out and go to my own room. I immediately fall to the floor. I don't cry this time. I don't let myself. I've already been too weak today.