Elements of Earth: The Element Trials

Chapter 8b, 2020, Estrellita: Reality; Nightmare's end

Unwilling to return to the chamber I don a robe without drying off and enter the kitchen. "Oh dear. What's wrong scrunchkin?" Since I'm dripping wet, I'm not sure if Vivian can tell I'm crying as I enter the kitchen.

"I'm just not feeling well. I think I'd like some tea." I expected the kitchen to be empty, but feel comforted knowing she is here.

Vivian walks over to the medical station by the kitchen. "I'll get it ready, come over here. I want to check you for a fever." I made my way over and sat on the low exam table. She placed her holographic hand over my forehead. "You're burning up!"

I know that the way she held her hand to my forehead to check my temperature is an illusion. Behind her holographic hand, a laser thermometer shone through. But the intimacy of having another person here, even one I can't touch, brings me to tears. I want her to hold me, tell me everything will be ok. Even though it's literally a hollow gesture, I hug the air around her tightly. "It was so terrible! They're going to kill him, I tried so hard to sacrifice myself for him, but he wouldn't let me!" I said, every other word halted by a sob or a gasp.

"It was just a dream. You're ok now. Come on, let's sit on the couch." The tea cart rolls over on motorized wheels. Over the hot tea, I mumble and whimper, telling her every last detail of what happened. I remember Katiya's claiming that we shouldn't be forced to kill each other.

"You know almost everything. Why do bad things happen to good people?"

"I can only tell you what I believe and have found to be true. Inherit in every being, exists free will and desire. They seek power to fulfill those desires. All power can be derived from fear or love. Love is powerful, but it is easier to be feared. It is also easier to conclude that fear is more powerful because everyone has experienced fear, but not everyone has experienced love. When people talk about ending the cycle of violence, that violence is like a disease, I think what they are trying to do is grasp a world without fear. I don't know if that is possible. But I can tell you with certainty, you have nothing to fear now. I am here, and I will protect you."

I wake on the couch. A blanket rests half on the floor. The clock says it's late afternoon, Sunday. The tea cart is empty save for a note.

'Ms. V knows you are staying home today and possibly tomorrow. I thought you might want some time to yourself. I made sweet and spicy wor wonton soup, I'm keeping some warm on the stove, the rest is in the fridge. Call me if you want some company.'

Hazarding a guess that the motorized cart is somewhat sentient I ask it a question. "Cart?" The cart replies with an upbeat warble. Vivian is always making new friends for me. "Will you please bring me some soup?" Cart sounds a two-note warble in confirmation and rolls away. I feel weak and dizzy. I finish the soup. The mixture of sweet and sour and spicy wonton restores me somewhat. It's nearly sunset but I cannot make my way off the couch, let alone to the balcony. I fall back to sleep.

The next time I wake up the lights are not on. The clock says its three am, Monday. "Lights?" A momentary flicker. "On, please." The lights turn on, the hue a few degrees positive of cheerful. "Thank you." I feel uncomfortable in this robe, but do not want to return to my room. On the cart is a set of one of my favorite yoga outfits. Loose white cotton pants and a green tank top. I change into them. "Thank you, Cart. Please thank Vivian as well." While they were likely chosen for comfort, I follow the purpose I bought them for. Rolling out a yoga mat on the hardwood floor I stretch out the aches from the fever. I try to center myself with balancing poses. After several down dog and mountain cycles, I meditate in corpse pose and drift off to my library. I summon myself, or rather the persona of myself that had lunch with Vivian. We spend days together, reading and suggesting books to each other.

But when I wake up I am still lying, empty, on the floor. When I look at the clock, it says its twelve O' three Tuesday morning. I had hoped to stay away long enough that I could go to class. I'm not looking forward to it but I'm tired of being alone. Neither do I want to call Vivian for company. I want to be alone in a crowd and being in class is the closest I can get. "If I can't get lost in a crowd, I'll get lost in the mountain." And so I wander. I bypass Vivian's room and the stairs leading up to the balcony. First, I elect to go to the garden, but it's only ever lit by redirected sunlight and the sun isn't up yet. Rather than moping in the dark I continue down the spiral staircase. I pass the server rooms, the nuclear generator, and bacterial digester, all the way down to my father's workshop.