Irhaboggle Pride (2019) Spectrum

Healing

Elle sat alone, reclining under the summer sun. Her new life was a little more lonely and a little less grand than she thought it would've been. But she'd fought so hard to obtain it that she wasn't about to start complaining. Instead, as she continued to bask in the sun, she only heaved a tired sigh and tried her best to be content.

Life had been interesting for her, to say the least. She'd managed to fall in love with a girl that was actually a vampire, only to then be killed by that vampire's evil goddess mother, only to then spend about 150 years stuck in the belly of a giant fish god while reliving her worst memory over and over again, only to then finally be set free by that very same vampire girl, and her new girlfriend, all just under a year ago. It made Elle tired just thinking about it! But now? Things were peaceful, but it almost felt more odd and eerie than enjoyable.

Against all odds and expectations, Elle, Carmilla, and the rest of the gang managed to defy death yet again. They all managed to survive their encounters with one another, and Carmilla actually finally properly apologized to Elle, for everything! And it caught Elle so off guard that she instantly, instinctively, did the same. Now that Carmilla was confessing her flaws and faults, Elle was quick to do likewise.

But even more than just apologizing, Carmilla gave her life to Elle. Just like that, just like Elle had always wanted, Carmilla simply up and gave her life to Elle. Never in her wildest dreams had Elle imagined a reality where Carmilla would just surrender like that, yet here they were. But as with all things, it was not completely black and white.

Carmilla hadn't given her entire life to Elle, rather, she'd given half of it. Inspired by the story of Inanna, Dumuzid and Geshtinanna, Carmilla had descended into the afterlife and made a deal with the Goddess of Death. Elle would be allowed to return to the land of the living for half a year. In that time, Carmilla would take her place in the afterlife. Then, after those six months were up, roles would reverse.

So now here Elle sat, her time on the surface world barely beginning, and she was already questioning everything. Although she was incredibly grateful for Carmilla's sacrifice, she couldn't help but wonder. Had it been worth it after all? Was life as good as she thought it would be? It embarrassed her to say, but, at least for the second question, the answer was no. In a classic case of "be careful what you wish for", Elle finally had the life she'd been fighting for, yet she was hardly able to enjoy it. It was much lonelier than she'd thought...

Sure, Laura had been gracious enough to help her get accustomed to living in the 21st century, but that didn't change the simple fact that life was not all it was cracked up to be. And to Elle, that was the ultimate disappointment. She felt restless and unfulfilled all the time, but she didn't dare ask Laura for help. Even though she knew Laura would be willing, Elle could sense that Laura would never forgive her for taking Carmilla from her, even if it was only for half the year ("only!" Laura had squawked bitterly). Elle couldn't blame her, though, and out of respect, she tried to avoid Laura as much as she could. Just to minimize the awkwardness between them.

But, that meant Elle had no one to turn to, and that left her right back at square one.

"I just can't understand it!" she cried, finally sitting up. "I have everything I ever wanted, so why can't I enjoy it!? Why am I still so miserable?"

Well, as Elle would come to learn in time, it was because she had not yet fully healed from her past, or her trauma. Although she'd made leaps and bounds over the past couple months, she was still very much broken on the inside.

Healing was a long, slow, painful process, and Elle was only just beginning. Getting out of her toxic environment (the schloss) was only the first step. Now she had to get her bearings, figure out what was wrong. Then, she had to try to address and solve it, trying to push forward even if things in life were trying to drag her back. Then, once she found that new path, she had to walk it. In short, she had a long way to go.