Extra Special Boy

I Wish They Would've Told Me

We rode home in some silence, discussed how this affected our family and how we'd proceed with discipline, and all the other aspects of basic parenting that were suddenly not basic for us. For the ride home, and some hours after, I mourned almost like I had lost my child. I wasn't prepared for the feelings that came along with such a diagnosis.

See, the doctor handed me a manilla envelope full of papers that had suggestions for therapies, schooling, websites, books, you name it helps for how to take care of a child with autism. What she didn't tell us, and maybe she didn't know or never saw the other side of, was that we would absolutely go through the grief process. I'd already been to the land of Egypt and enjoyed the banks of Denial!

I was now sad. I did, however, while I was quietly riding in the car, pray for him. God, and in no uncertain terms can I say it was anyone but Him, told me he'd be a preacher. What kind of preacher, I have no idea, but even today, I hold that in my heart, waiting on Him to manifest it!

So, here we were thrown into the grief process like an unaware child into a lake, being told to learn to swim. We were dog paddling through it, barely. I can't really pinpoint when we went through each stage, but I know we finally came to acceptance. I remember the guilt being so real that I couldn't stand myself. I begged God to make him better. I remember, and still struggle with, the sadness that comes with this.

No one told me I would feel like I had lost my child. That's what gets me. For those hours after we left, that's exactly what it felt like. All the hopes and dreams we had for our baby boy were gone. They weren't really, but at the time, I couldn't have told you differently. They had only changed, but I would realize that later. There are still days where it seems that the Autism is insurmountable. Then I remember who my God is, and try to hug my boy and tell myself he's not where he should be, but he's not the child he used to be.

Yes, I went through all five stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Here's a link, in case you need clarification, or just want to know what I mean by stages of grief: http://www.ekrfoundation.org/five-stages-of-grief/.

By the time we arrived home, I was ready for bed: so exhausted from the news, and the five hours of driving it took just to find out our whole world had been turned upside down, shaken, and in some ways, completely shattered.