Hereditary Sadness

Chapter 17-Jamie

(March)

"So how are things going with your dad's family?" Dr. Green crosses her legs and smiles at me. "Are you still enjoying staying with them?" This seems to be the way most of our sessions begin ever since I moved into Uncle Frank's and Aunt Zee's.

"Yeah, it's great!" I tell her. "Well, it's mostly great. I miss my mom a lot." Dr. Green nods.

"That's normal, Jamie," she tells me. "And do you feel like you've found what you are looking for?" I have to think about her question because I'm not completely sure what it is I'm looking for.

"I don't know," I finally tell her. "I definitely feel more connected to my dad," I admit. "It's nice being with people who knew him his whole life. My mom can only tell me stories about him since college."

"And how have you been feeling about you?" She asks.

"I'm still lonely sometimes," I tell her. "I thought that would go away when I moved into a house full of people."

"Are there any other feelings you have? Sadness, self-harm, anger?" Dr. Green looks at me with concern. She still thinks I should go on medication, but I really don't want to.

"I don't think about killing myself, if that's what you're asking," I tell her. "But I do worry sometimes that I'm going to turn out like my dad." Actually, I worry about that a lot, but I don't want to tell her that.

"Do you think about that often?" It's as if she can read my mind.

"I guess," I admit to her. "I just feel like this is who I am now. This is what defines me." I've never said that out loud before, and I do feel a little better getting it out in the open. "I wanted to move in with my dad's family because I know there's this whole other part of me that I haven't really gotten to explore." I look at Dr. Green, but I'm not sure she'll understand.

"Jamie," she begins, "your depression does not have to define you. You are an intelligent, beautiful, caring young woman. Those are three different things I just named off the top of my head that have nothing to do with your depression. And there is a lot more about you that I probably don't know," Dr. Green says. "There isn't one thing that defines any us," she pauses, "unless we let it."

"Yeah, but I can't really ignore it and hope it will go away, either," I tell her.

"No, that's true. But there are ways to manage it, so it doesn't become overwhelming." I'm frustrated because I know she's talking about medication again. I wish my mom was here to back me up. "I know you don't want to try the medication. I understand that." I look at her as if I don't believe her. "I promise I am not trying to push drugs on you, Jamie," she says with a smile. "But I do want you to recognize that they are an option if you ever feel like our sessions just aren't enough for you."

"Thanks, Dr. Green," I say. "I promise I'll consider it if I feel like I'm losing control."

"That's all I'm asking," she says. "Is there anything else you'd like to talk about while you're here?"

"No, I don't think so," I tell her. "Ever since Miss Pickett left, school's been pretty good. Kimmy doesn't bother me anymore, and Miles and I are sorta friends. Everything seems to be pretty calm in my life. Except for living with six other people!" I laugh because I really am enjoying my time with dad's family, my family.

I stand up and shake Dr. Green's hand like I do after every session. She walks me out to the waiting area where Grandma Jamerson is reading a book she brought with her.