Hereditary Sadness

Chapter 16-Melanie

(February)

"Excuse me?" I say to my daughter as I snatch the phone out of her hand. All feelings of guilt and remorse are replaced by disbelief and anger.

"Will you please just talk to her?" Jamie asks me. She starts to follow me into my room, but I abruptly stop.

"Oh, I don't think so," I tell her. "You can walk your little butt back to your room. You and I are going to have a nice, long chat after I get off the phone with Grandma." I point to her room and wait until she's out of sight before I shut my bedroom door.

"Hi, Anita," I speak fiercely into the phone. "You want to tell me what the hell is going on here?"

"Melanie, please calm down and listen to me," Anita says. Out of respect for her, I stay silent. "Jamie does not want to move in here."

"That's not what she just told me, " I can't help but say.

"Yes, I know, but she's just upset and confused right now. I don't even think she knows what that means," Anita says. What she's saying makes sense, so I calm down a little and continue to listen. "Jamie is feeling very hurt by her father right now."

"But—" I start to say.

"She's not angry with you," she tells me. "She was, but not anymore. I think Jamie feels like her dad abandoned her, and she is trying to figure out who she is despite him," she pauses, "and who she is because of him." I let her words sink in for a minute. I also try and see this from Jamie's point of view, but it's not easy. "I think it might do Jamie some good to come stay with us for a little while."

"Anita—" I say, but she interrupts me.

"Jamie wants to find her father's roots, so to speak," Anita says. "She knows who you are and who she is because of you. Let her figure out who she is outside of you." I can't possibly begin to understand what Jamie is feeling. I feel frustrated and helpless.

"What are you thinking, Anita?" I ask.

"Why don't we let Jamie come stay here on a trial basis? Maybe six weeks?" She suggests.

"Six weeks!" I practically yell. "I've never been away from her for longer than a few nights!"

"Melanie, you are her mother," Anita tells me, "and if you say no, then we'll drop this completely." She pauses. "But I'm worried that, if you refuse, Jamie will have a hard time forgiving you."

"Well, I think that's a risk I'm going to have to take," I finally say. "Thank you for respecting my place, Anita. I'll talk to you later." I hang up the phone without giving her a chance to argue anymore. I sit on my bed and wonder how my life got to be so difficult. I miss my mom. As strained as our relationship had become, she was still family. I also miss my husband. I'm sad and angry that Jamie wants to leave me, too.

I slowly walk down the hall to Jamie's room. She's lying on her bed looking at a framed picture. I sit down next to her. She looks at me with her swollen eyes, and I feel sorry for the both of us.

"Why did he leave us, Mom?" Jamie asks. "Didn't he love us?" She's staring at the picture. I look down and remember the day that picture was taken.

"Your dad loved you more than anything else in this world," I tell her. I take the picture out of her hand and show it to her. "See this? This was the summer before you started kindergarten." I smile and think back to that day. "We went to a free concert in the park. It was part of a jazz festival. They had food and music and games!" My eyes are starting to fill with tears as the memory comes flooding back. "We took a blanket and sat on the lawn to listen to the music." I reach over and smooth Jamie's hair. "All the other kids were running around the lawn, but you," I put my hand on her cheek," you sat in your dad's lap the whole time and just listened to the music."