The Arcana-Head Canons and Oneshots

Reversed(Julian)

Trigger warning(s): None really, but Julian does have self-esteem issues.
Gender-Neutral
SPOILER WARNING FOR JULIAN'S REVERSED ENDING
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It's been a few days since I've been reunited with Julian after practically the end of the world. Despite everything that happened, I have never been happier to see someone in all my life. Somethings have been a little difficult for him, and I know even if he wouldn't admit it. I know this because I can see through the fact that even though he is overjoyed to see me again, that he seems so much more insecure then he was before. This was difficult for both of us, because he was insecure to begin with, so having to help reassure that I do actually love him has been extremely difficult. All of this is because the devil used him as a toy. If I could have been there, if I could have swapped places with him than he would be better, and everything would be okay. Now he is a raven-like human, and he is very reminiscent of how the Hanged Man appears. I wish I could have done something to stop this, I still love him, even if he is basically a tarot card now.

I sigh and shake these thoughts out of my head. I run my hand through my hair and shift where I am laying. I should get up, since sitting here feeling guilty all day will only make him feel worse about everything. I sit up in our bed, and I turn my head to the side and look over at Julian. I notice his shoulders rising softly and the relaxed, at ease face he is making, and this is enough to make me realize that he was still asleep. Seeing him look relaxed was enough to make me feel a little better, even if it was only momentarily. Instead of waking him up, at what I assume is early in the morning, I decide to go down to the main room of the bar. I am still constantly confused by how time here actually works but we both work on a semi in check with reality or what used to be reality schedule. I walk down the stairs sit down in the main room of The Hanged Raven, it was somewhat comforting knowing that the bar was similar to my magic shop structure wise. Instead of a magic store it was a bar though which was a little less desirably, but it was a bar on the first floor and an apartment upstairs. When I thought about my shop and what life was like before this I let out a little sigh. A coffee appeared in front of me on the table I am sitting at near the window. I smile just barely and take a sip of my coffee. I still get confused with how everything comes when you need it to,expect a way out of here. Having everything you want is how Julian got all of those saltly bitters when I found him, and what I assume were illusions of me sent by the devil to trick him even more, which makes my heart ache thinking about how long it must have felt for him and how much he misses me. The Salty Bitters when I first found him proved to be the biggest issue for him,but he has been drinking less since I got here at least. I feel guilty as I remember how he was when I found him here, it makes me wish I got here sooner. I take a sip of coffee and try to chase away the thought and I look out the window and watch the world twist itself into an oblivion. I can't help but still this sinking feeling that all of this is my fault and that I could've prevented this. I sit and drink my coffee, looking out the window and thinking about the past for a little while. I am pulled from my trace by the sound of someone carefully walk down the creaky stairs. I turn to face the source and I see Julian standing there,he smiles softly at me and I smile slightly back. He carefully makes his way through the bar and sits down at the seat next to me. This has become our morning routine at this point, I wake up early from either thinking to much or nightmares and I wait down here for him to wake up. To prove this routine even more a cup of coffee appears, and as usual the black coffee poured itself for him. "Good morning darling." He says this and leans over the table and kisses my forehead,I smile at the small gesture. I look up and kiss him back. "Morning Ilya." I get up from my chair and sit next to him, and scoot the rickety chair closer to him. I just want to be  with him right now. He notices this and nods to let me know I can be close to him. With that signal, I carefully lean my head on his shoulder. I feel the inky black feather that run down his neck to his arms rub a little against my cheek, but it didn't bother me at all anymore. He softly says my name and I look at him. "Darling, I've had a question bugging me." He says this with a caution in his voice that is unfamiliar to me,and my attention is drawn up to him. I decide to turn my chair so we are facing one and other so it is easier to talk. "What is it?" I hold my hands clenched together on my knees as I ask this. I hear my heart beat in my chests as I get more and more anxious to to hear his question. He curls his hands into fists and I see his claw like nails piercing into his skin. My heart breaks at this habit he's developed, it's similar to how a person will rip off hang nails and the skin of this fingers. I unfold my hands and hold them out for him, and he takes them gently, holding his own around mine. He takes a deep breath and whispers "How come you aren't afraid of me? I'm a monster,a beast,how the hell can you love something like me." I can hear the venom lacing each word he says about himself and I notice his expression shift into one full of sadness. His question makes my heart break even more. I am speechless by his question and without knowing an answer in words, I move my hands out of his and I carefully rest my hand against the side of his face and stroke his cheek with my thumb,tracing the small black feathers that go up his head,I am doing this as I think of what to say in response. We sit like this for a little bit and I think of a response. "Because I love you for who you are not what you look like or what you are,I will always love you no matter what,you're still the same trouble making doctor that I knew before and you always will be,feathers or not." I say this softly to him. He smiles weakly yet it some how has a million different emotions behind it. I get up from my chair so I can kiss his forehead,he leans into the kiss,he smiles and lays a soft kiss back on my lips,due to how tall he is all he needed to do was sit up to reach my lips.I melt into his touch and wrap my arms around his shoulders my hands resting softly on his wings. "I love you so much Jules" I mumble this and he smiles and lets me stand in his arms and rest against his chest. "I love you more darling." He sits me back down and I look up at him and I run my hand down his face. "You're to adorable, you know that right?" He laughs and shakes his head "Not as much as you love."
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Originally published: Sometime in 2019
First Rewrite: 10-10-2021
Original Word count: 768
Rewritten: 7-2-2022
Word count: 1396