STARDUST

My Boy • XIII

My mom came home later that night and I was ready to tell her. After a little pep talk from Mel, I felt a little better...but not a whole lot. I felt like throwing up truthfully, but I wasn't sure if that was from nerves, or from the pregnancy.

I repeated the small conversation I had had with my best friend before she left.

"She's your mom, stop acting like she would kill you or something."

I snorted in a not-so-ladylike fashion, "This is my mom we're talking about."

Mel sighed and I suddenly felt that same feeling of my throat closing right before I started crying. I was scared. "Just tell her straight out, Ray. Just say 'moma, I'm pregnant' and then let her rant all she wants. What's the worse she'll do?"

"Throw me out," I replied bluntly.

Mel sighed again, this time irritated, "Raya, your Moma loves you no matter what. You're all she has...she's not gonna throw you out especially if you're carrying her grandchild."

"Oh my God, I can't do this. She was telling me I was irresponsible just three days ago, and now this?" I started panicking. "I can't do this."

"Are you sure you don't want me to stay with you?" she asked.

I shook my head and stood up once I heard the door open and close from downstairs, "Yeah, just go home. I'll call you later and tell you what happens."

She nodded and hugged me tightly, "Good luck Ray." Right before she turned to leave, she said, "You know I'll be here for you, right? Baby and all."

I smiled, "Yeah, I know."

"Love ya girlie."

I just smiled sadly at her and watched as she went down the stairs.

My heart pounded as I stood in front of my mom, panic clearly evident on my features. "Raya? What's wrong?" She questioned. She seems like she cares.

Of course she does. She loves me.

"Moma, you better sit down." I winced when I realized my voice shook, mimicking the motion my body was currently undergoing. I was trembling like a leaf in the fall and I knew she noticed.

"Raya? Baby are you okay?" A line appeared between my moma's eyebrows as she came down on the couch. I took a seat in the black reclining chair opposite of her and took a deep breath, noticing how everything seemed to be spinning.

'Just tell her already,' my mind silently pleaded with me.

"No, moma I'm not okay."

This worried her, "Just tell me what's wrong sweetheart and we'll get everything sorted out."

This is when I realized that she did love me. Mel was right and I started to cry.

"Raya, tell me what's wrong."

You're going to hate me if I do.

She was now kneeling in front of me; this was the side she rarely showed. I took a deep breath and told her flat out, "Moma, I'm pregnant...I'm pregnant."

Everything seemed to still as the words slowly escaped my mouth. First, she looked confused as if she didn't know what I said. But as she started to understand, her face held many emotions: confusion, anger, concern.

"You what?" Her tone was hard, her words clipped, and I realized I had flinched.

"Don't make me say it again, please."

Her mouth dropped slightly and she got up off her position from the floor, her hands coming to her hair. "You PREGNANT? Raya Jay William" she yelled her Caribbean accent coming out slightly. "How- how can you be so-"

"Irresponsible?" I put in for her, my voice weak, helpless. She shot me a confused look and I just shrugged, standing up. "I don't know." The tears were still coming but I made no move to wipe them away.

I could've sworn her features softened and I realized there was some hope she wouldn't blow my head off. "Raya, you don't think...I..."

" I know what I've done moma, and I've accepted it. I want this baby. I couldn't go through with the abortion even though I had the choice." I paused and looked around, "I'm doing this to prove something to myself. That I can face the consequence of the decision I made. The baby shouldn't suffer for our stupid mistake."

She brought her eyes up to mine and I saw pride in them. "Our?"

I nodded, "Kento and I."

Her mouth parted in surprise, "Kento? He is the father?" When I nodded she continued, "Well I'm glad you know who the father is at least."

I cast my eyes downward, partly in shame. "We've been hanging out for these past weeks. It happened at a party and I wasn't thinking straight."

She sighed and sank down to the couch, rubbing the place between her eyes, "And why he's not here with you?"

Tears filled my eyes again and my mother knew something was wrong. "I-I...He's probably in L.A. by now. I lied to him. He didn't want the abortion, neither of us did, but it was the only option that we could make. Kento wanted to get away, get away from his abusive dad and this town and... so I said I got the abortion. He doesn't know I still have his baby." My voice cracked and I was afraid of what my mom would say.

"Raya," her tone was somewhat breathless. "You can't-" she stopped and then looked at me.

She did the thing I least expected her to do.

She got up and hugged me. Just like Kento did. And it wasn't just one of those light squeezes; this one could break my bones if she applied a little more pressure.

When she pulled back, her eyes were misted over with some tears, "A baby is a lot of work, young lady. Are you sure?"

I nodded, "Positive."

She smiled sadly, "I'm disappointed in you Raya. I really am. I expected a lot more from you," my face fell and my gaze dropped to the floor, "But I'm also proud of you. You made the right decision even though I don't agree with you not telling Kento about his child."

I just nodded because I agreed with her...for once.

"But don't think there won't be a punishment," she said, her tone hard. "Because there will be."

I sighed, actually happy - or more relieved - that I was actually getting a consequence.

At least she didn't kick me out.