STARDUST

My Boy • XXIII

I fiddled my hands nervously in my lap as I sat on the couch. He would be here any minute, any second. Hell, he could be parking his car outside right this instant.

Earlier I had dropped Lianna off at my mother's, just telling her that I was going to work for the day. She didn't ask any questions, and even if she did, I wouldn't have answered them.

I hadn't slept at all last night, finally giving up after my fifth attempt. It seemed almost impossible when I knew what would happen the very next day.

A hard knock sounded at the door and my heart jumped a few beats before stopping completely. I gasped for breath, mindlessly wandering to the door. I unlocked it before pausing. I realized I was trembling. My hands were shaking so badly; I was scared.

I inhaled deeply, pulling the door open slowly.

He looked just as tired as I felt, his dark eyes dull. The bags under them were a dead giveaway that he too, didn't sleep at all. And it looked as if he had slept in his clothes.

He nodded his head curtly in greeting and I opened the door a little wider so that he could step in.

And since karma hated me, the first thing his eyes landed on was one of Lianna's dolls that she left discarded on the floor; one I hadn't noticed or bothered to pick up. It was tucked right under the living room coffee table. His frown grew deeper and his shoulders sagged. My heart clenched as I took in his defeated form.

I didn't know what to say first. And I was pretty sure that, "Would you like some coffee?" was out of the question.

I took in a deep breath and adverted my eyes to the floor, the wall...anywhere but him. "I-," I paused. "I honestly don't know what to tell you." My voice was strong, steady. I was proud of myself.

I could feel his glaring eyes on me. I stared back at him, unwavering although I wanted to run away from him on the inside.

His eyes softened slightly, but not much. "Why don't you start from the beginning then?" I almost flinched at his tone. It was hard, yet I had to strain to hear what he said. Controlled anger. He was good at that.

My eyes narrowed and frustration was slowly starting to build up, "I got pregnant." I said simply, my face blank.

He growled, "I think I fucking know that you got pregnant."

I cracked my knuckles slowly, my hands still slightly trembling. "So what else do you want me to tell you, Kento? That I didn't get the abortion and I was lying to you all this time? Because that's what happened." Could I be anymore of a bitch?

Silence.

We were just staring at one another.

"What else do you want to know?" I asked him. I realized that I was strong when talking to him one on one, but scared shitless thinking about him. It's funny how that works.

He almost choked, "What else? There is so much you're not telling me, Raya."

I cast my eyes downward, and blinked slowly, my eyelids feeling heavy all of a sudden. I felt that if I closed them too long I would automatically fall asleep.

Kento took in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "Why didn't you tell me? Why did you have to lie?"

I closed my eyes and shook my head. "Because, you were so, so-," I stopped, not knowing how to say what I had in mind.

"So what, Raya?" He asked, stepping toward me.

"You just wanted to leave."

Another step closer. He seemed angrier now.

"What" He hissed.

I shook my head. He didn't understand what I was saying.

"No, you just wanted to get away." He froze, his whole body going rigid. "That's all you talked about after that night. You wanted to leave, to start a new life, and to get away from your dad. You're smart Kento, you're so fucking smart, and you needed a good education. You got into UCLA, and I couldn't hold you back from that because of a mistake." I wiped at my eyes and crossed my arms over my chest, looking back to Kento. "If you hadn't gone, what do you think would've happened? Did you think that you would've published your work? Would you be where you are today?" My tone was now bitter and Kento started to say something but I cut him off, "No. You had to leave," my voice had softened on the last sentence.

A silence followed as Kento studied me. I avoided his eyes.

"Everyday, Raya. Everyday, I felt so...I felt terrible for what I thought we had done," he suddenly said. It seemed as though he was struggling for breath and I looked back to him. Pain was evident in his now glazed over eyes. "But you didn't tell me. And I think that hurts even more."

I gasped as if the wind had been knocked out of me, and I heard the door slam shut. I looked up but Kento was gone, he left.

"No," I whispered and I hurried over to the door, throwing it open. But it was too late. He was already at the bottom of the stairs, shrugging on his jacket and pulling out his car keys. He turned around briefly and our eyes met.

Then he got into his car, and sped off.