Story of A Lonely Guy

Chapter Five: Forgetting is Never Easy

Ever woken up after a painful release of tears and forgotten entirely about everything? Then, seconds later it hits you like a tidal wave? This is what I've woken too. I text Jade and tell her to meet me up here in about 20 minutes.

I never thought that letting go of someone so close would tear you apart so quickly. She was never just a mother to me; she's been my best friend, to jade and I both. With this thought, I hop in for a quick shower before Jade comes up.

~

I look in the mirror after throwing on a flannel shirt and jeans and feel this overwhelming sorrow creep up on me. I feel as if my heart is shrinking. Despite my want to turn away, I stare into the person I didn't realize I became. My eyes are drooping and the circles have deepened. I take a deep breath. My dirty blonde hair wraps around my diamond-shaped face, covering my sullen eyes.

She'd want you to be there, I tell myself quietly. Stop being so sad. Stop it. Letting go is the only way to be okay. I hear someone walk up from behind me. It's Jade. I look at her through the mirror, her slender body leaning on the wooden paneling.

"Are you ready to go?" she asks. I nod, turning around, slowly walking to her. She throws her arms around my neck tenderly and squeezes. "I love you," she whispers into my hair. Again, I start crying quietly, squeezing her so tight I don't think she has the space in her lungs to inhale.

After a very long hug, we walk downstairs to attend to the process of checking out of our stay at Haried House. Nothing needs to be said so we walk to the front desk and throw the keys at the sloppy assistant manager. He tries to tell us to come again, but we refuse to face him and walk right for the door. Some may say we're rude, but our night sucked so kindness is sort of nonexistent in our nature as of now.

After we're in the car, no one moves. I stare out the windshield and Jade fidgets with the bracelet I gave her in Elementary School. I'd completely forgotten I ever gave it to her.

"I know this will be emotionally damaging for you, but sometimes the things that are tearing you apart, release the most pain once the suppression is over." She says this in such a morose tone and such a timid feeling that I wouldn't have thought this affected her so much. I instantly feel at fault.

"I know..." I tell her. "Let's get all this melancholy over with so I can go devour hot dogs on street corners and greasy pizza at Nelly's Pizzeria." I wink at her, assuring her that I'm alright. She laughs to herself before finally saying okay.

~

We're about 30 minutes away from Forest Park Cemetery. Tension has been rising and falling in my chest the whole ride. Upon realizing that I need time to breathe, Jade doesn't speak to me. We found ourselves fitting into a comfortable silence apart from Elliot Smith, Between the Bars, playing on repeat. If I weren't such an insomniac, then sleep would come easy. But, I would still have extremely realistic dreams of her even if I had the choice. If you, yourself, are just like me falling apart but keeping it together when someone drifts from you leaving forever, then you can relate to this on a very severe level. I apologize a thousand times over. Even when I know it means close to nothing.

"Hey, look. Hickory Hills. A few miles back, I saw a sign talking about a nursing home. Maybe that's where all the senior citizens came from," she says as she beams at me. I shake my head and laugh, turning back to look out the window. Frost begins to form in the corners as winter becomes closer and closer. Maybe a jacket would've been good to have brought.

By the time we reach the cemetery, I can't breathe. We slowly pull into the parking lot facing all the graves covered in dying flowers and occasionally even freshly lane flowers. I don't automatically recognize it because the scenery isn't the same. When I first came, looking out towards the empty souls, the ground packed with disintegrating bones, it was dry and things we're dead. Now, its autumn and the leaves are falling lightly. Something is off. I stare off into space for a while before realizing Jade has been staring at my profile.