recollection | ✓

iv.

daisies.

the sound of someone jogging filled lisa's room, and soon jisoo's voice can be heard.

"lalisa, can't you use your headphones, the sound of the game keeps echoing and it doesn't help that you don't have push to talk on, i can't hear the enemies for Christ's sake?"

then lisa heard a faint voice saying, "jisoo, come on, don't use the Lord's name in vain." ah, rosé.

lisa snickered, "i'm too lazy to get my headphones, let's just finish this game and i'm coming over anyway, you guys still need to help me with something, remember?"

"aish, whatever i'm muting you." jisoo clearly sounded annoyed, "but yanno, you don't have to even do what you proclaim you have to. you're not together anymore."

"so?"

"why put the effort—shit, i spotted someone, back me up!"

a few curse words were exchanged and soon enough jisoo fell silent as the screen turned black and white, "jeez, why do we always lose in this game when bambam isn't in our team?"

"because it's hard to carry your heavy ass, and oh, you suck." jisoo complained.

"whatever, i'm going now. see you in a minute."

lisa exited apex legends and soon turned her gaming console off.

she absentmindedly made her way outside of the house, without even grabbing a coat, only her keys; since the only thing that lisa kept thinking of was what jisoo said.

you're not together anymore. why put the effort?

well, lisa had no idea. in fact she didn't know most things, most of the time she was confused and unsure. there were only a few times in which she had absolute certainty about something.

actually, if she tried hard enough she would actually know most things, since it was in front of her, she just loved being a dumb ass since that was what her body was comfortable with; seeming like she knew what was going on would lead people to expect something from her, they would seek her guidance, and that was the last thing lisa wanted. she couldn't afford being accountable of other people. she didn't want to be accountable of herself.

it felt like such a distant memory of hers to have been someone who was capable of making decisions and being responsible; ever since she's been single it was like she was doing everything backwards.

she was more reckless and selfish. perhaps that was the real lalisa manoban, a devil-may-care with a hint of holier-than-thou touch into her being. she was different, a little more extreme, really.

she could tell, she could hear a new kind of worry in her father's voice, the way her mother touch her shoulder as if she was trying to tell something to lisa, but it just never comes out. no one was ever direct with her these days, especially her parents.

she was broken eggshells on the floor, everyone tiptoes around her because they didn't want her to break even more.

it only created a searing hot bubbling pit in her stomach, it was lethal than bile, if she'd spit it onto someone their skin would burn until they're only left with their bones, flesh gone. she kept it inside. she'd erupt soon. well she did, the other night, but she couldn't even properly fucking do it because god, dear gods from above, whoever you all are, jennifer ruby jane kept her so tranquil. she couldn't even be a storm wave which swallow ships and drown miserable men. she was only a small wave that kissed the edges of a boat, barely moving it to a direction.

there was a stillness in her that was only saved for jennie.

she didn't even realize her tears betrayed her again.

why put the effort when she left you?

jisoo made a good point.

without knocking, she entered the unlocked apartment. she closed the door and locked it, she wasn't careless unlike the other two idiots.

she plopped down on the empty couch, and rosé's singing and strumming was stopped abruptly.

"lisa, is something the matter?" that australian accent was so strong, it was almost smoothing in a way.

"nothing is." lisa waved her hand in dismissal.

"uh, anyway, should we go?" rosé began to put her guitar aside.

"no, i want to nap." lisa lied down on the couch, her hands behind her head.

"why not?" jisoo finally spoke.

"because you're right."

"huh?" usually jisoo would be smug if someone said that, so lisa was a bit surprised with response. "what was i right about?"

"i shouldn't put the effort, i shouldn't bother."

"lisa, i didn't mean it like that." jisoo sat on the couch now and softly slapped lisa's cheek so she'd open her eyes. lisa looked back at her, irked. "i merely asked you. why put the effort, you've broken up, what does it mean?" jisoo was serious, "now, did your pea brain take that quite well?"

"so, does this mean we're still going?" rosé was standing and peering at lisa's face.

"no, i'll just get her daisies." lisa closed her eyes again, "it's her favorite."

"yeah, okay, but you still didn't answer my question." jisoo lifted her legs and put it against her lap so she could sit comfortably.

lisa didn't have it in her to answer, since she didn't even know how to. thankfully jisoo didn't push it anymore, lisa turned her head to the side and watched rosé as she began to play her guitar. at first she had no idea what it was rosé was playing, until she began to sing.

it's you, it's you, it's all for you
everything i do
i tell you all the time
heaven is a place on earth with you

every word was a stab to her heart, this knife was sharp, quite sharper than the dull knife she used to stab with it before. it was easy to bear its edges inside of her, tearing tissue from tissue, spillage of blood everywhere. she closed her eyes and this time she let the tears cascade down her soft cheeks.

she didn't make any sound as she cried, she didn't want to interrupt the song, she wanted rosé to finish it. letting the blonde pull the trigger repeatedly. she clasped her mouth with her hand so the sob won't escape it. she choked it down. they continued to pour.

she sat up, hugged her knees to her chest, her forehead pressed against her knees, she hid her face from them as she continued to cry. the erratic movement of her chest. its up and downs in different intervals was not left unnoticed. rosé's angelic voice echoed around the small space, rippling through lisa's skin.

lisa felt an arm snake around her, a hand running along against her back. how come when you're comforted, instead of hushing, the dam that kept the rest of your tears in opens up, and you'd just burst and bawl your eyes out? the warmth wrapped around her, lifted the heaviness she carried, her sadness was quite obvious and insurmountable.

the music has stopped and her silent sobs were the only thing that filled the apartment, aside from jisoo and rosé's hushes.

she did not erupt, she burst into tears, and she wasn't a wave, she was the ocean, drowning in herself.

— // —

note:
did you listen to the song while reading this? imagine if rosé sang video game by lana del rey tho.

oh and happy jenlisa day, gays 💜🦄