recollection | ✓

viii.

heathens.

they both retired back to the apartment lisa shared with jisoo and rosé, a day ago lisa had finally moved into the spare room. they all had planned to move in together back in high school, jennie was also included in the plan—in fact she and jisoo were the ones who gave the idea—until she decided that she was studying in los angeles instead of san francisco, things had changed and they had adjusted the plan for three.

it was a big step for lisa, she had actually been delaying fully moving all of her things there, in the apartment. it was a slow progress, rosé even finished before she did. the last thing she had moved in was her computer, and by then she told her parents that she was finally moving out.

she could not really be certain, but it seemed as if her parents were proud of her.

they suspected that lisa was motivated to give life another shot because of jennie being back in her life, which lead them to say something to her that she could not stop thinking about.

as she sat there, watching her girlfriend taking a nap, her mother's words were on loop.

"darling, i'm really happy that you're eager about things again, you're finally moving out and taking more responsibility. i was worried you were going to keep on sulking. i'm alarmed of how highly dependent you are of jennie, love, just because she is there you'll keep on going with your life and finally let yourself be happy, but when she's gone you won't? lis, live life for yourself first, then live it for others second. i love you, you know that."

it left a string of questions for lisa...

was she really that dependent of jennie?

was jennie really the only source of her happiness?

was it really wrong to have been devastated when the love of her life left her?

lisa had only reacted accordingly, there was nothing absolutely wrong with that, and she didn't agree about how her mom made it seem like her whole life was thrusted into jennie's hands.

her life didn't end when jennie left her, and it didn't begin again when jennie came back.

it had been in stasis in the in-between.

during that time she was trying to know who she was without jennie.

there were no more reasons to fret over something she had utmost certainty with.

as if to make a point to herself that she had stopped replaying the statement and questions in her mind, lisa moved over to grab her bass guitar to play a riff, she turned on the amplifier and put it in a low volume so she won't wake her sleeping beauty.

in the midst of playing come as you are by nirvana, she felt arms snaking around her waist and pulling her close, closer, until she felt a soft squishy cheek pressed against her back.

the movement of lisa's fingers along the instrument had stopped abruptly, the strings of the bass ringing softly, and to stop the echoing, lisa pressed her palm against it and it stilled, quiet down.

she stiffened and looked over to see jennie rubbing her face against her back.

"lay with me," jennie requested.

"m'kay..."

a soft "yay" and lisa put her guitar down, turned off the amplifier and cuddled her girl, who really still wasn't her girl at least that time, nonetheless her girl—it was a conundrum they did not solve yet.