Ruled by Distress

Kabanata 5

He broke up with me after 4 months of being in a relationship. After a week of being apart, he married the girl in his dreams. Fuck him.

"Oh ano na Cyrene bukas na ang kasal oh! Maghanda kana! Galingan mo ang boses mo sabay sabing 'itigil ang kasal'

"Gago!" ani ko sabay buga sa usok ng sigarilyo habang tawa ng tawa ang mukha kung baliw na di ko alam kung saan nagmana kung kaibigan.

"hoy imbis mag laslas ka diyan, gumising ka! Gumising kana sa katotohanang hanggang hating-gabi nalang talaga single yung magaling mong ex!"

"Kung makapagsalita to kala mo hindi rin iniwan"

"Excuse me? Ako iiwan? Baka ako pa nga ang mang iwan sa kanila."

Nasa tapat kami ng dagat umiinom habang tinatanaw ang tahimik at mapayapang alon nito. Akalain mong may karamay ako sa ganitong bagay. Sinusumpa ko talaga kung sino mang masamang linalang ang nagpahintulot na mangyari to samin.

"Sabagay mga lalaki talaga napalaking GAGO! Binigay mona nga lahat lahat iiwan ka parin. Di nakokontento. Mga sakim. Walang modo. Fuck them all!"

Hindi ko na talaga napigilan. Napapaiyak na lang ako sa galit at sakit. Parang titutusok ng hindi mabilang na karayom ang puso kung wasak. Sobrang wasak na wasak. Kinapus ako nang hininga habang pinagmamasdan ang masasayang araw namin noong perpekto pa ang lahat. Yung wala pang eeksena na ex niya. Yung ako palang ang hinahanap at isinisigaw ng kanyang damdamin.. (ako nga ba?) Oo nga nama't ang bilis ng panahon. Sobrang bilis na hindi pa tuluyang napoproseso sa aking buong pagkatao kung bakit, Bakit biglaan ang mga pangyayari?. Bakit napakadali sa kanyang kalimutan ang lahat? Di ba talaga ako ang klase nang babaeng pangmatagalan? Yung mauuwi sa kasalan at habang buhay na pagmamahalan? Kasi kung ganon, ano pa ang silbi kung nabubuhay pa ako. Wala na! Wasak na ang lahat.

But how can I undo the happenings when just a click of time it was changed.

Even I can't imagine how did it happened. It's just that starting the day I said yes to him, I became dependent on him. I invested so much feelings for him. And then, he became my world. My everything. He's the man I fantasized to be the father of my children. To be the person I could lean on from that day onwards. He isn't perfect but I see him perfectly in his own way.

I am an intruder. I shoudn't be in the picture. I know. Alam na alam kung kaka break niya lang sa kanyang ex. Pero hindi na ba talaga ako pwedeng aasa man lang? Ako parin ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng ito kasi hinahayaan kung mangyari to.

I let him broke me.

Kill me inside.

Take my breath away.

Make me feel empty.

And the hardest truth is, he can live without me. He can simply continue the life he had started. Go on and keep moving. While me in the midst of nowhere, found myself crying over and over again.

Minsan talaga ang buhay ay nakakagago.

Minsan masaya ka, minsan nama'y nakakakungkot, nakakainis at nakakapanggigil.

Minsan gustuhin mo pang mabuhay, minsay nama'y gustuhin mo nalang manahimik, mamayapa, o mawawala sa mundo dahil kung tutuusin, nakakapagod mabuhay.

Nakakapagod ang paikot-ikot na daloy nito. Minsan nawawalan kana nang pag-asa.

"Black Forest or cookies and cream?"

"Cookies and cream for me please."

"Okay. Right their baby." He smiled at me and pinch my nose.

"Cheese flavor or sour cream?"

"Can I have both?" I smiled and give him my cutest smile

"Sure! Anythingfor you."

"Which movie would you like to watch?"

"Aladdin!"

"Okay then."

He put his arm around my waist and we went into the assigned cinema for our movie. He usually did these things whenever we're having a date. Its our way of bonding instead of eating in a fancy restaurant. Minsan naman sa perya kami magtungo or toms world o di kaya'y road trip around Davao city.

"ohh Shit ang lakas ng trip nito. Hahahahaha"

Mangiyak-ngiyak na ako sa kakatawa kasi naman si Donny biglang nakikisabay sa Jollibee Mascot habang sumasayaw ito sa Mall. Ang kapal talaga ng mukha nito. Hahahaha

"What! Hooooy! Ano ba. Ayoko- " at wala na akong nagawa kasi pati ako kinakaladlad niya din para sabay kaming sasayaw. Pinagtitinginan na kami ng mga tao at nakisayaw na rin ang iba. Sobrang nahihiya ako sa pinaggagawa namin kasin naman hindi ako dancerous katulad niya. Pero sobrang nag enjoy rin ako sa araw na ito.

I am indeed happy and contented on having him as my partner or so I thought.

I can feel that I was uplifted from the ground but my eyes can't just open to see what was happening. Sobrang namamaga ito at wala na akong lakas para tutulan ang sino mang nag-angat sa akin. If someone inflected harm on me or rape me I can't protest anymore. I'm totally wasted.

As I stare at the ceiling of the room the next morning, I realized that I wasn't in the room which I and Martina suppose to share. Kinapa ko yung damit ko kung may nagbago ba and oh my gad! Napalitan nga. Do I still have an underware? Oh thanks! Pero hindi na ito yung suot ko kahapon ah!

And whose room is this? Napaka manly ng amoy. Did I just give in to someone I don't know? And what will I expect after 9 months? Noooooo!

Wala ng paligoy-ligoy pa, agad akong lumabas sa kwartong ito at mukhang nawawalang tuta sa kakahanap kong nasaan yung room namin ni Martina. But before I could reach to my destination, I have witness the most special day of their lives...

Donny and Eneya's exchange of vows. . .

Tadhana talaga..

I smiled bitterly. No. I won't be happy for the both of them.