Random Shit

[146] Done With Life

October 12, 2014

So, I'm feeling really...horrible about myself and I have been through mental and physical pain for over a year now but no body seems to care and mean it.

When I talk about wanting to kill myself sometimes.... people get offended and act as though I shouldn't be talking about it because THEY have been suicidal and that I am mocking them, or triggering them and making fun. Because a guy like me, who doesn't have the deepest scars on his wrist can't be depressed. It's like if you're a teenager and you don't LOOK emo, you can't be depressed or dying inside. But I am!!

Guys, I'm not making fun, I'm talking about a serious issue I'm having but people make it all about them. And people wonder why I'm quieter, grumpier, sleepier, lazier, and less motivated and uncreative. I have a problem...but no body sincerely cares for me anymore.

Everybody makes me feel like absolute garbage, and they complain and get upset when I strike back. When we have a history and you taunt yourself in front of me online I'm going to message back and I won't be polite. I'm done being a nice push over little bitch. I'm done with that. I have an opinion and I'm gonna let myself be heard from now on.

But I'm killing myself inside. I feel the death on my bones. I practically staved myself for over a week because my fucking body which made me being sick even worse. Now I'm just stuffing my face and I feel more fat and horrible and I can't go running.

I feel like a piece of shit inside, out, everywhere around. And I need to let off steam somehow. I have raging hormones and I honestly feel like killing myself somewhere deep inside. It's not that prominent of a feeling to act on it, but it's there and I don't know what to anymore. It's just me now. I haven't been to my councilor in weeks, my mom seems to hate me more by the day and my sister the same because I'm perusing something that's probably the only thing that's kept me alive these past few months. Hormone treatment.

And I don't know if you guys took the time to read this awfully sorrowful post but I just feel so alone, and I need someone to vent to, and you guys are all I seem to have. The slight interaction when I see a comment on this book is all I get-other than pervs asking for nudes and certain friends-that just makes me happy. I need a release...from the stress...from life.