Room 301 [Zarry]

a change of heart

"Tell me I'm not crazy! Zayn," I can't stop shaking, tremble in my fingertips. "I could see you. I'm so sober right now. It was real, it was really you. You're so beautiful I-"

"Relax," he whispers, pulling me into the safety of his arms. "I know babe. I saw me too."

His laughter shakes my body and my heart blossoms. I missed this more than I realized. His happiness is so infectious. I want to bottle up the sound of his voice and keep it safe in a jar. There he goes again, tripping up and straddling the border of just friends and yearning for more as babe casually slips from his lips. I don't say anything, just try to focus on steadying my breathing.

"But how," I ask breathlessly. I'm still so mesmerized, my mind can't grasp how someone can be so perfect. These are guilty thoughts, I try to knock them out of my head. Kit means the world to me and nothing will ever change that. I made a vow to myself.

"I think I figured it out," his voice is unsteady. "Everything makes so much sense," he mutters  under his breath.

Curiosity might kill me someday but I have to know if there's a way to see him again, every fiber of my being is aching for him. It's wrong. It's wrong, I'm so wrong for this.

"Harry I'm really s-sorry," he chokes on his words, I can feel a slight tremble in his body. "I can't tell you what's happening m. If I tell you the truth it could ruin everything and I care about you so much. Fuck," he yells, hand colliding with the wall behind us. "I knew this would happen, this is all my fault-"

"Zayn, what is it," I ask gently, hand on his elbow. "Please, you can tell me anything. There's nothing to be afraid of."

"No, I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of my f-" His words drift off and my heart is going wild inside of my chest, brain working to connect the dots.

"Is it something I said," I ask, voice quivering. "Was it something I did? How can I get you back? I need you," my voice goes hoarse. I completely lose sound, silent tears streaking down my face as I wrap myself tighter around him.

My heart is full of so much love. How long do I deny my feelings? He feels so solid and safe, the strong flex of his forearms and the comfort of his chest. I always run to him, seek shelter in his arms and I know I shouldn't.

"I don't want to be the reason you're stuck here. If it's me that's keeping you here I'll never forgive myself. I s-swear Zayn, I just want to see you happy. I want you to find peace. Don't let me be the reason."

Don't let me fall in love with you.

I leave those words unspoken, mind drifting to Kit. I'm worrisome, thinking of her safety. Is she drinking too much? Does her father know where she is? Can I trust the people she's with? I just want her back in my arms. My mind is a mess. I don't like being confused, I don't like how Zayn steals my breath and jumbles my thoughts. There's no second guessing when I'm with her, no questioning my faithfulness, no traces of guilt, no hint of infidelity. Everything is black and white. Not the lines are are blurred, my decisions are hazy. There's a rain cloud inside my brain.

"You make me fucking crazy," I say, grinding my teeth. "I don't want this. I'm not a pawn in a game, I'm not some gateway to Heaven. I don't know how to help you," I say, suddenly deflating. I feel so useless. "I don't know why fate brought us together or why our stories are so similar. I'm sorry your dreams didn't come true, I'm sorry it had to come to this but I'm not the answer. What do you not understand? It isn't me. Whatever this strange connection is...I don't want it anymore. I'm not a miracle worker, you can't live vicariously through me Zayn. Life doesn't work that way. I make my own decisions. Recently they haven't been so wise but it isn't up to you to decide my destiny, to drive my success. That's on me I'll make my own mistakes. You're not real. You can't come back."

His silence is terrifying. I immediately regret throwing my aggression at him like that, he doesn't deserve my anger. None of this is his fault. All he wants to do is prevent me from crashing down the way he did.

"You're right," his voice is so hushed. "I just really care about you and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry I'm too protective, I'm sorry I'm clingy and weird and desperate. I'm a fucking screw up. I figured that out when I was still alive. Do you think I doubted myself for no reason? I don't think there was a single second I didn't hate myself. Do you want the truth? I was out of my fucking mind that night, I usually was. I used drugs as an escape, I flooded my veins with alcohol just to feel less numb, to feel something. My decision to jump over the railing was the most sober thought I've ever had."

"You don't mean that," my heart breaks. "Tell me at least some small part of you regretted it. You were never proud of your music?  You didn't love your family? Surely you had something to live for."

"But I messed up everything I ever touched. My career was dying, my relationship with my family was rocky. It was the addiction. At some point I completely let go of myself."

"That's my point," I shout. "You had something to live for, before Hollywood tore you down, before you let addiction alter who you were. You didn't die as yourself Zayn. You died as a complete stranger."

"The truth is you bring that side of me back, the one that still had something to live for and I'm sorry if I bother you too much and mess with your head. I don't want to ruin what you have with Kit. Never let me come between that...forget it. I won't bother you ever again, okay? I never knew you felt that way about me."

"Zayn wait! Zayn please," I plead.

I feel him slipping and then he's gone, I'm clinging to nothing. I can't stop crying. I keep thinking to myself, I just lost the best thing that has ever happened to me.

What am I doing? I'm shaking uncontrollably, manage to phone up Lana.

"Hey Harry, is everything okay?"

"I've had a change of heart, the Chateau Marmont is calling my name."