Room 301 [Zarry]

how he became numb

"Kit," I call out softly. "Where are you butterfly? Lana told me you haven't been yourself today, I know-"

Right away I notice her wedding ring sitting on the nightstand. It's in the exact same spot as usual. What throws me off is the unclasped butterfly necklace, glinting on top of a piece of paper. I pick it up, heart suddenly in my throat. My pulse quickens, hands shaky as I try to hold it steady

My dearest Harry,

I am beside myself with the news that the baby was not ours, greatly ashamed by the revelation that I was impregnated by Robert. I have been utterly torn over this discovery, it was revealed to me at my ultrasound today that my little miracle had been in the womb nearly four months, around the time I was assaulted. Lana was very kind to take me today, as I discussed with her getting stronger and moving forward in hopes to have a child with you.

I'm sorry I have been in such a depressed state, I would never blame you for any of this. Please do not feel angry with yourself. I swore to myself that I would never trust a man and it was never my intention to give my heart away. With that said, your affection and charm were irresistible. I have never loved so fully, so openly, so earnestly and will never do so again. You made all of my dreams come true, the life we made together was truly a fairytale. This was not an easy decision but my wings are very tired. I was merely a caterpillar when you found me but now I am ready to fly away and to start a brand new journey.

You should be proud of all that you have accomplished in your short time here. It takes a lot to navigate through Hollywood without losing sight of who you are. You're the most humble and genuine person I have ever known. Your soul is so kind and generous and I was lucky enough to share my life and my love with you. Life has not been easy on me but the summer that I spent with you was the best time of my life. It will live in my memory forever.

Continue to dream big dreams Harry...stupid dreams, no dream is too big. I decided to end things where it all began, where you made a big splash in my life.

I love you more than anything.

Yours always,

Butterfly 🦋

My body won't stop trembling, tears distorting my line of vision. I drop the letter in shock, try not to smear the ink with my endless stream of tears. I run my fingers along it, hoping it's still wet but it's completely dry. I can barely open the door to outside. Everything is so unsteady.

"Kit! Kit," I scream her name over and over and over again, as if her lifeless body will somehow come flooding back with color, with life, with youthfulness.

She looks so peaceful, floating in the water. It's almost as if she's just resting. I manage to pull her out, her floaty, ruffled dress is heavy and water-logged. There's an eerie white cast to her skin, lips turning purple. I don't know why I wrap her up in my arms, why I carefully cradle her head. The water soaks through my clothes and I shiver, teeth clattering as I let the pain drench me. There's cold seeping into my bones. I'm frigid as a breeze rolls in, goosebumps scattering on my skin. I sing a gentle lullaby, stroke her soft cheek.

Reality hasn't fully sunken in. I'm in a slightly deranged state, a state of full denial as I lay her back down, kiss her cold lips. My mind tunes out the sirens in the distance. I just keep muttering incoherent things under my breath.

I'm in a complete frenzy, trying to regain composure. As I let her death set in, my anger slowly rises. My resentment for all things Hollywood is boiling just beneath my skin. Maybe if I would have gotten home sooner, if I hadn't been with Zayn-

"This is my fault," I swallow hard. "I should have been there...this all my fault."

I scream, I can't stop screaming, pain ripping at my throat. I'm losing my damn mind as I go back inside, ripping the bedside lamp from the wall, glass shattering everywhere. Exhaustion grips me, completely takes over my body and I crumple, folding in on myself as I weakly fall to the floor. The glass cuts through the skin on my feet but I don't feel a thing. I clutch onto the butterfly necklace, keep it pressed tight to my chest. The hardwood leaves marks on my knees

but I don't feel a damn thing.

                                                                                           ☆

I wake up to a familiar setting but I'm extremely disoriented. My guitar is perched in the corner of the room by the closet, my songbook on the dusty bedside table. The curtains out to the balcony are drawn closed tight and the room is completely dark. The world is deathly still, I can hear the sound of my own heartbeat. The clock reads 1:58 AM.

The pillow is wet with my tears, covers a mess. "Zayn," I whisper, voice hoarse. It hurts to speak, pins and needles pricking the back of my throat. "Zayn," I try again, choking on a sob.

My feet are unsteady but I somehow land on the carpet, pad over to my unpacked suitcase. He must have moved all of my stuff back in. I unzip it, fumbling for my bottle of pills. I dump several pain killers into the palm of my hand, swish them down with a partially empty bottle of vodka.

It's still room 301 but it's in dire need of repair. The cheap paint on the walls is peeling off, the pipes in the bathroom won't stop dripping.

I've never needed Zayn more, brain fuzzy and full of static. I play with the ring on the chain around my neck, remembering the way it used to fit just right on her finger.