Room 301 [Zarry]

wrong for feeling anything

I'm restless, a tangled mess in the sheets. There's sweat on my forehead, my heartbeat is erratic. There's a hand on my forehead. "Kit," I mumble, drugs clouding my brain. "Kit," I cry out. Gears are turning in my head, I can feel my body move but I can't make a connection, can't prompt myself to wake up. My chest feels so heavy, I'm being crushed by the weight of a thousand bricks.

"Harry," the voice whispers, fingers in my matted hair.

"Butterfly," I say softly, trashing around. It's too hot, beads of sweat on the back of my neck. Why is my mouth so dry? Wake up Harry, wake up. The pain in my chest is immobilizing. "Kit!" I'm screaming at the top of my lungs. Am I dreaming? I can hear her laughter in the back of my head. I reach out for her. Someone takes my hand, jolting me awake.

My eyes slowly adjust but nothing comes into my vision. I'm all alone and scared, pillow soaked with tears. I peel off my sweat drenched shirt, scanning the room.

"Fuck Harry," the bed dips under his weight. "You scared me. How many pills did you take?"

"I dunno," there's a searing pain in my head, I squeeze my eyes shut. "Three?"

"Do you know where you are? Are you alert?"

I nod, a wave of nausea taking over my body. "Room 301," I whisper. "I could see her Zayn, I felt her."

"You had a seizure Harry." His hand is on my forehead, I unravel in his arms. My body feels so drained of energy, sheer exhaustion gripping me. "I thought I was going to lose you," his voice breaks. She's okay I promise, I can feel that her spirit is at peace."

"What did I do," I ask, choking on a sob. "Why wasn't I there? Z-zayn," I stammer. "Zayn, I loved her-"

"Shh," he cups the back of my head, gently rocks me back and forth. "I know and there's nothing you could have done. She was always the happiest when she was with you."

"But I didn't even care! I didn't care that is wasn't mine, it didn't matter. That doesn't matter to me. I...I shouldn't have been out with you, I was wrong for that. I'm wrong for feeling anything when I'm with you. Please bring her back. Zayn please," I beg.

"Harry, I can't do that. Kit isn't suffering, okay? And she loved you very much. Please stop crying, it hurts when you cry."

"I'm sorry," I sniffle. "For everything I put you through. I know you never wanted to see me get hurt like this. I knew she was sad," I frown, a new set of tears welling in my eyes. "I just never saw this happening. Kit was always so bubbly, her smile would light up any room."

"Yeah," he whispers, rubbing the small of my back. "She truly was just as beautiful inside as she was on the outside. Do you want to do something symbolic to help you let go? We can write a letter or release butterflies or something," he laughs awkwardly. "That was a stupid idea."

"No, that's really thoughtful. I think I just need time. Time heals everything, right?"

"Usually," he ruffles my hair and I almost smile. "Unless you're stuck in an old hotel room that needs renovated. It smells kinda musty in here."

"Are you trying to make me laugh?"

"Maybe that stench is you," he jokes, nose pressing the nape of my neck. "You smell sour. I mean I've been known to let milk sit out and spoil and sometimes I forget to put on deodorant but-"

"Stop," I crack, letting out a tiny giggle. "I'll take a shower."

I try to pull away but he stops me, breath fanning across my face. "Hey, wait. You won't try anything stupid, will you? I already threw out all the razor blades so...and good luck finding your medication."

"You're such a mom," I groan.

"A what?" I laugh at how perplexed he is, fighting and squirming to get away from him. "If you want to know the quickest way to die, I'll tickle you to death. What did you just call me?"

"Nothing," I laugh, heat in my cheeks. "Just stop touching me there," I request, referring to his fingers on my waist. "You're always so touchy."

"Sorry," his voice drops. "I think you're the strongest person I've ever known. I wish I was more like you. Maybe Kit and I were just too soft and we couldn't handle everything life threw our way but you're different. I know she believed in you so much and she knew you were capable of anything. I've seen that same flame in you since we first met and I don't want it to burn out. There's no easy way to get over death and I know it's going to be very difficult for you but I want you to know that I am always here for you. I'm not going anywhere...not like I have a choice," he adds, lightening the mood. "Do you trust me?"

"Yes," I answer, feeling somewhat breathless. His fingers are still on my waist and I don't dare move them, just lean in closer until our noses brush. "I don't know what's happening to me."

There it is, his skin against mine. I look up, study his features in a state of disbelief. He's crying and my hands are trembling as I cup his face. "There's something you're not telling me," I say softly. "Please don't be afraid."

"The time isn't right," he exhales, glitching like a simulation. "Just hold onto that thought."

Fading, fading into nothing more than a bursting wave of energy. The hair stands up on the back of my neck and then it's just me, my heavy breathing and the recurrent drip of the bathroom sink.

"What in the hell is happening to me," I ask myself. I try to shake away the cobwebs in my brain, convince myself it was just the medicine but my heart isn't so sure.

I know how I felt overlooking the twinkling city lights, I know how I felt when his lips found the shell of my ear. I know those butterflies like no one else.