How NOT to Write a Fanfic

Smut

Most of you are not gay cisguys, so it's okay if you're not sure exactly how gay cisguy sex works. However, that doesn't mean you shouldn't learn. It's actually pretty important if you're going to include smut in your fanfic. Smut isn't necessary, but sometimes it fits well with the story or you just want to turn people on. Either way, make sure you're knowledgable and not embarrassing yourself with your very-much-incorrect description of two guys fucking.

First, before you even start writing, get this through your head: do not go overly poetic on the smut. It will sound like a shitty romance novel. You don't need similes and metaphors every five seconds; make it exciting by having them do something besides kissing and then fucking and then cumming. Too much imagery is a bad thing in this case.

Cool?

Okay, so, in a lot of fics, people carry lube in their pocket. This is fucking stupid. I get that you might want to make them fuck in a strange place like the KFC bathroom or some shit, but that doesn't give you an excuse to make Frank a sex addict who always has a tiny bottle of lube in his pocket. There's a solution to not having lube. It's called saliva. It takes quite a bit of it, but saliva can work as lube. If they randomly decide to fuck in the movie theater, don't write in a convenience; make it realistic.

(Edit: I have recently been enlightened to the existence of tiny tear-open packages of lube. However, I have never seen these used in fanfictions. They're tiny packets that look exactly like condom wrappers. You can use these. But please specify as, apparently, some people don't know these exist and you don't want them to visualize your characters pulling a huge-ass bottle out of their wallets.)

So, once you start writing, you need to think of some foreplay shit. You don't want one of five thousand generic fucks. If your smut is just about your characters getting each other off, you might as well just leave it out. I can tell you one thing: everyone has kinks. They don't need to indulge in their kinks every time, but you should be writing with it in mind. Ryan likes masochism; what is he going to respond to? Also, they need to have enough foreplay to get hard enough. I'm not sure some of you know how boners work. It's not like you see a nice ass and suddenly you're rock solid. It's easiest to get hard when you're a teenager; the older your characters are, the more foreplay it will likely take.

(NOTE: Do not have them literally rip each others' clothes off. Clothing costs money. No one will be happy if their twenty-dollar shirt is ripped, and certainly not happy enough to let their destructive boyfriend put his dick in their ass).

(ANOTHER NOTE: Use realistic dick sizes. The average in the US is five inches, I think. I know it's not very hot to write about a tiny weewee, but it won't kill you to stay below seven inches in your fic).

When it comes down to the actual process, there are two things that need to happen: stretching and lube. Vaginas are cool because they lube and stretch themselves. Buttholes? Nope. For virgins, the fucker should use three fingers to stretch the fuckee. If it's someone who has sex pretty often, one or two. If it's someone who has constant, unceasing sex, they probably don't even need to be stretched. Lube, though, is always important. Going in dry is usually not much fun for either party. Just don't make them use something weird for lube. It should be something like actual lube, vaseline, spit, or maybe conditioner if they're in the shower (although, supposedly, that can give you an infection, so maybe not). No ice cream. That's unsanitary. Also remember that even gay guys need to use condoms. STDs are a thing. And I guess, in some universes, mpreg is a thing.

This next part is important. Are you listening?

Gay sex does not always hurt.

If it hurt, why would people do it? Yeah, it could hurt the first time or if it's been awhile if there's not enough stretching, but probably not enough to want to say 'ouch.' Just yesterday I took a shit about the size of a dick and a half, and it did not hurt (TMI, but this is what it takes for some people to understand). Pooping is reverse sex and usually, pooping does not hurt. So, if it's gentle, even the first time won't hurt at all.

What does hurt though, that not many people know about, is a post-orgasm prostate. If you keep stimulating the prostate after orgasm, it will hurt. For that reason, I suggest making the fucker cum first, or cum soon enough after that it doesn't hurt. Anything longer than thirty seconds is seriously pushing it (see what I did there?). You could also have them climax via some other method. A lot of times, intercourse isn't the finale of sex.

Something else a lot of people, for some reason, don't know: guys can only cum once. It takes anywhere between ten and thirty minutes after cumming for a dick to get hard again. It is literally impossible to get a boner if you just came. If you do, you have some kind of disorder; I don't remember what it's called, but yeah, it's a disorder.

Generally, I think that's all you need to know. Just do not use the following three phrases:

· "Our lips/hands fit together like puzzle pieces."

· "My body was on fire."

· "Our tongues battled for dominance."

If you're not sure, here are some acceptable words for 'penis:'

· Cock

· Dick (use this carefully; it's not a hot word, it's more effective in comical tones).

· Length (sparingly)

Here are some unacceptable words for 'penis:'

· Penis

· Member

· Package

· Manhood

· Sword

· Schlong

If you have any to add to either list, by all means, let me know and I'll judge whether it's acceptable or unacceptable.