Metanoia

14: Heavy Waters

We set up pretty close to the water, just a few feet from where the waves come up across the beach. I was lounging, laying on a towel and looking up at the cloud scattered sky. Keith was sitting up I think, drawing some things in the sand or something. We weren't talking, although it wasn't awkward, it was a comfortable silence where the sounds of the beach birds and the waves crashing took over.

The sun felt nice against my skin; although I should have brought sunscreen for Keith, if we had any, I bet he's going to burn easily. I got the idea that perhaps he didn't want to stay for that long though, so perhaps not.

When I close my eyes I can still see the bright red of the sunlight phosphenes, which also gives me comfort just as much as the sunlight and the beachside sounds do. I softly dig my heals into the sand by the end of my towel.

"Lance. I guess I- well. Never mind." Keith spoke so softly, solemnly. I lift my head up and prop myself up against the ground, looking over at Keith who seemed to have the thousand mile stares at the sand he's swirling a dead staff of grass in. This place is quite and beautiful; Keith seemed so happy when we first set up here but now he seemed deep in thought. That happens to me too, this place can do that to you if you feel alone.

"No, Keith, what's up? Somethin wrong?" I sit up fully, sitting at the end of my towel just as Keith is. I reach over and softly take the grass straw Keith has become hypnotized by, holding it softly in my hands as he finally looked up to me in the same sort of harden gaze I first met him with, "We're friends now, we can talk! I can tell you my secrets, you can tell me yours if you'd like. Ya know, you're not alone."

"Yeah. Yeah, we're friends." He looked back down at spirals in the sand before looking up at the waves crashing on the water, "you go first-"

"Of course! So when I was little, I used to run around the house naked, and-"

"Lance." Keith said softly, his voice shaking a bit as he continued to look out to the depths, "not the- you know-... " he took a deep breath, "I've been carrying around some, pretty heavy stuff-" he said with a soft forced chuckle, "it would really help if you started first."

"Oh, yeah. Yeah bro I can do that." I took a deep breath as I started to fiddle with my thumbs. "A heavy secret, right?" I really shouldn't stall; my heart was beating fast. "I'm scared I have nothing that's really mine. Veronica is really smart, like, realllyy smart. Marco is a fantastic father, Nadia and Sylvio are gonna grow up to be some great people I can feel it. And what am I? Some average kid who is good at space investors? I don't even know if I'm good at that. I just- don't think I have anything," I've never really told anyone that before, it's always buried away until late at night, or until I'm alone, but I always manage to keep it hidden and be the jokester people know me to be. I finally look up to Keith, the feeling still crushing my chest for the time being,

"You're a good friend, Lance. And with what I can tell, you're a good leader." Keith spoke like he already had those on a list, his soft smile make the weight finally lift from me,

"Heh, thanks dude," I chuckle a bit as I wipe the hazy heat from my eyes, "ok, your turn," I could see his shoulders tense, brushing a stray strand of hair that fell from his ponytail back. "I shared mine, now you share yours, that's the game," I try to lighten the situation, calling it a game instead what it actually was, confessions.

"I.... well.. it's sort of similar to yours, but-" his hands were shaking, this must be one hell of a confession. How long has he kept this to himself? I reach out to him, put my hand on his shoulder; he looked at me in a confusion, a hesitation, before shrugging me away, "that's exactly it, Lance! You're scared you don't have something special in you; although, even when you reach out for something, at least you're reaching! Me... I'm terrified I'll be alone the rest of my life, yet-"

"Yet-? Keith, you're not alone, you have me, and shiro, and I'm sure everyone else will love you too!" He flinched a bit. Who hurt him? "Keith? What happened?" I tried speaking in the soft tone I use for the kids, but now I'm actually very worried for this boy.

"I think- I think my problem is that I don't want to get close to anyone. But that's an issue because those are vary conflicting things: not wanting to know anyone and not wanting to be alone.." he covers his face with his hands and groans loudly in frustration, "that's another secret. You go."

"I don't think I have anything else that would make it a fair trade.. does being Bi count? I haven't told anyone that yet, especially by dad, but- I think it's pretty obvious to my friends." It was one of those situations where you realize how good you have it, because you're sitting next to someone broken.

"Yeah, doesn't really fit the price tag," Keith said with a laugh as he pulled his hands from his face. "Although you did pay for something so I gotta give you a secret now. I'm gay, never told anyone either." He was smiling at least a bit now, which was better. "Hey, thanks lance. That helped, really" he looked up to me with his smile; it really seemed that a weight was lifted from his shoulders,

"Anytime!" I couldn't help but to return the smile, "but hey, is that actually how you feel? Why are you hanging out with me then?"

"Yeah, something happened and I just don't want it to happen again. Has to do with getting to close to people that don't want to get close to you. But... I don't know why I agreed to hang out." He said with a shrug, glancing over to me, "maybe it's because you reached out first."

"That's what I do! Just call me Lance Reaching Out First McClain!" My feet were outstretched in front of me, and for the first time since we were out there I felt the soft kiss of the cool water against my toes; the tide was rising. "The tide is rising. We can either stay here or we can go back to my place?"

"Your place sounds nice" He said as he stood up, wiping his eyes on his sleeve as he picked up his towel and folded it.

"Alright! Maybe my mom can make enchiladas for dinner!"