4 am Revelations.

The habit of pretending it doesn't exist.

I have never been in love. As a matter of fact, up till the age of 18 I'd been quite all right. Coming to university changed that. I can't even understand if it's a carnal desire for sex that makes me think of love so often or do I really just not want to die a virgin? Or maybe I'm just really intrigued by sex and given I'm a Muslim woman I know the 'correct' way to obtain a feel of sex would be by drowning myself into the throes of marriage and because we've been deluded into believing that people who love each other marry, hence, I think of love as my card to sex. In other words, follow a legal pattern to get two people together in a room who are down to fuck. Gosh, when I decided to write this, I'd thought I'd focus more on 'love' but this just sounds like an emotional and sexually frustrated woman who is unnecessarily awake at 4:26 am. Shit, I should've made this Part 10 or 20, I don't know if I'll be able to look at this chapter as the opening when I'm in a less vulnerable state of mind.

What do I mean when I say the habit of pretending as if it doesn't exist? I mean I've denied the need, the want, the desire of wanting to be in love up till the point I made up my mind of typing these words down. I want to be pushed against a wall and kissed so badly. I want to be loved so deeply and madly that I feel my knees literally lose all blood and feel like spaghetti. I just want to mean everything to a man, for a change. I debate the idea of wanting to confess maybe I wouldn't mind a woman making love to me either, but I believe I'm more straight than queer, so we'll stick to my desires of wanting a man for now.