4 am Revelations.

Broken

Hi,

Imaginary readers.
I believe I may be sad. I am very sad. I want to use more creative words to describe any ounce of grief I have but I fear overselling my own fear and sadness to my self. I am sad because my mother is incomprehensibly sad.

She's sad beyond words can express. She's not valued in her own household. She's got no family members from her real blood relatives that value her. She's got step relatives that have been anything but a source of comfort. She's got children that vilify her when they're angry but otherwise like her a lot but can't show their emotions through hugs or kisses.

She's miserably alone.
I spoke to her tonight after her daughter had one of her outbursts again. I asked her why doesn't she stand up for herself? Demand respect as a mother, not just a mother but an old one (as if age is a valid reason to be treated like a civil person). She replied, it's not written for me. Some people get in this world, but not me. Respect and rights were not for me. I told her if you believe this than how can you change this. Every single person has the right to demand being treated with respect. She shook her head, like she has a million times before. I need to sleep, I'm tired.

She's been tired for 25 years now. I'm 25 years. From her tales of pregnancy to seeing her bespectacled self sitting on a broken bed, with her hunched spine, grey hair, dry and sagging skin, I knew it was the only truth in her life. That she is horrifically tired. She is tired beyond words can express. She is sad beyond words can express. She would like to find happiness and peace more than words can express. She's sad. She's sad and I am ready to trade my life if it means she stumbles upon a fortune from her past and has it change her life front to back and trade all the meanness in the world with adoration and respect.

Ya mere Allah, unke gunnahun ko maaf karden. Bas mere Khuda, has mere Khuda, unki azmaaish ko khatam karden. Ya mere Khuda, unko is mulk, is mulk ke logon se rihai farmad den. Ya mere Allah, ya mere Allah, unko khushi ata farma den. Unke shohar ke dil main narmi paida karden, unke bachon ke zubaan main narmi or sabr farma den. Ya mere Khuda.

Meri ma ko bas ab khushi naseeb karden. Unke is duniya main jitne saal aapne likh diye Jain AB TO UNKO PYAAR SE BHAR DEN YA MERE KHUDA. YA MERE ALLAH, AB TO SUN LE. MERI, MERI MAA KI, APNE GULAAMON KI. MAIN TUJHSE MAANG RHI HUN!  MUJHEY SUN LE OR MERI MAA KO APNI AAGEY KI ZINDAGI KELIYE BHARPOOR KHUSHI LIKH DEN, UNKO JANAT MAIN BHARPOOR KHUSHIYAN MILEN.

YA ALLAH, meri sun len Allah. Ab meri MAA ko mazeed azmaaish na dey. Bas Allah, mujhse nai seh jata.