4 am Revelations.

I don't want to be my mother.

There are some aspects of my life that I absolutely despise. One of them is having to take over the role of my mother. It might sound self explanatory but it's actually deeper than that.
Let's begin with my despicable father.
He's a troubled man. I wish he was alcoholic, it would have made hating him easier. In fact, he's a sober Muslim man who has a penchant for hating people and himself. He wallows in self pity, and makes sure to extend that disgust to his wife and 4 children.
I'm the middle child, and unfortunately the one he is the most patient with. This makes me the sacrificial lamb every time my mother doesn't wake up to make him breakfasts. I'm woken up, and then while he slurs curse words, shouts, walks frustratedly back and forth searching for his things, I have to hear the end of it all. I feel like running through a wall or having a canon drop on my head.
There's a disturbing feeling I should mention while we're at it. This man has a profound affection for beautiful women, ogling at them and then complaining how he had to marry a slob who birthed the nastiest children. As I've mentioned he doesn't hate me, so that means when I was younger he was always after how much weight I put on or how short I was. He'd call me in the drawing room early morning, sometimes along with my younger brother, and would have us perform stretches. Just the usual, arms in the air and reach for the sky. Easy, right? Well, I had this disgusting notion that his eyes would glance at my chest. And naturally, as I'm a girl and my fucking breasts had to pop out early because I was healthy, I couldn't bear his eyes on me. To me, then, and having learnt the word later on in life, I felt sexualized. I'd noticed how when we'd walk around carefree in our homes, or dress to go out, he'd remark over how we should wear looser clothes or use a scarf to hide our chest. It revolted me, that my own father saw us with such scrutiny. Disgusting.
Fast forward to adulthood, after years of having him grunt, curse and hate through his life. I am now 25 and emotionally exhausted by his presence. More importantly, I have another younger brother (whom my mum gave birth to 10 years ago), he relies on my elder sister and me to look after him. It is usually my duty to make breakfast for him and my dad when mum is too tired to wake up. She's a worn out 50 year old woman (her tail of sorrow is another chapter). In addition to these two people, my grandmother comes and lives with us occasionally. Serving her breakfast is my responsibility too, given my mother despises her.
So, after having been the only sibling who had to cater to my dad's wishes of helping him through work, serving him breakfast, being the only one he'll agree to take out or go out with, a younger sibling who constantly asks me for food instead of my mother, and an old woman who would eat your flesh if she isn't given food at the right hour, all I want to say is I DON'T WANT TO PLAY THE ROLE OF A FUCKING WIFE OR MOTHER. I DON'T WANT SUCH A DEPENDENT FAMILY. I fucking hate it. I fucking hate it. I hate that my mother is so worn out she can't serve her goddamn husband any more. I hate that she had the fucking balls to have another child at the age of 40. I hate the my fucking father will only have me do his chores from all his children. I hate how I'm asked to do the shitty jobs in our household. I hate having to make breakfast. I hate fucking serving my family.

It's unfortunate that I'm more comfortable living alone than with my family. I am ready to travel to the end of the world and live there, if it means not making another cup of tea or boiling a damned egg.