4 am Revelations.

Hypocrisy

I hate hypocrisy. I think it's a lowly trait for a human. I also hate that I have it in abundance. I act in control compared to my siblings when they talk or deal with our parents. But the truth is, when I am summoned for help, I barely help. Instead I'll retaliate by being snarky. By upsetting them with being loud to the point that they beg me to leave. Right now, a few minutes prior to when I picked up my phone to type, my mother asked me to oil her hands. Her body's too restless so she asks me to oil her hands and feet. It soothes her. However, there have been numerous instances when she's asked me to oil her hands and feet and I crush them in the process. Imagine being in pain but the intensity of the pain exacerbating. Not by anyone but your own daughter. I think it's pretty revolting and disappointing. But I do that. At 3 or 4 am, when she asks me to oil her hands and feet while I'm hunched over my phone lost in thought, for a split second I feel my anger rising. And then I force myself to perform the act of oiling limbs so late in the night. I pick up the can of oil, pour some in my hand and roughly rub my palms against her feet. Even in the dark I can see her wince but that doesn't stop me. I just want to fucking go back to my phone. I just don't want her to be so miserable every night. Right now, while oiling her hand, I almost snapped her left hand. She gives a small gasp and pulls her hand back. Maybe she's in shock that I almost broke it. She's in pain. She's wincing. But I just want to move away from this moment. All I know is, no good will befall me if I'm not good to my parents.