4 am Revelations.

I have regrets

I am a medical student. I'm waiting for my result to see if I'm an official graduate or not.

I wait. I keep waiting. I want the universe to lay out my destiny. I don't want to try or work hard for it. I waited too long. And now I've realized I fucked up big time.

I didn't save money for Clinical Rotations. I'm so close to graduation, that our college is going to withhold the NOC's they're tossing out to us.

I did nothing during my clinical years.
I didn't save money.
I didn't even do electives while I was a student.
I got lucky when I did 0.5% of an effort and got a Literature Review published.
I didn't excel in academics, heck, there were subjects I barely passed.
I really fucked up.
I'm lesser than average.
In first year, I was second last when the pre proff result came out.

I fucking hate myself. I really fucking hate myself. I fucking hate myself. I really fucking hate myself.

I am privileged but I'm not elite enough to buy my way through Electives and Observer-ships in the US. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I really fucked up.